Step Up 3-D: a stream of consciousness response

So, last night Netflix's streaming contract with Starz ended. A number of classics disappeared from the Netflix Instant catalogue, including Scarface, Scream, Beetlejuice, Party Down, and Spartacus. I will miss all of these movies/tv shows (especially Party Down), but for whatever reason, I saw fit to say goodbye to Starz with Step Up 3-D. 

And there was much rejoicing.

And I regret nothing, because this movie is everything I dreamed and more. 

• Is the lead character (to whom I will refer as Dougbert) a budding filmmaker making a documentary about his dance teammates?
• Are his dance teammates a multi-coloured and multi-racial ragtag bunch of misfits?
• Is there an unacknowledged romance blooming between two friends who have known each other their whole lives? And one of whom is named Moose?
•  Is there a parkour training deck?
• Will the budding filmmaker find the courage to show his documentary to people thanks to his new girlfriend Natalie?

So follow here, if you dare, for my stream-of-consciousness response to Step Up 3-D.

In defense of: Chasing Amy

I don't often take it upon myself to defend Kevin Smith. He doesn't excite me as a filmmaker, and I've long since tired of his tic-filled writing style. (See also: Aaron Sorkin, Quentin Tarantino, and to an extent David Mamet.) I can't deny that he made a big impression on the independent film scene, but I just don't care for or about his movies. Except one: Chasing Amy.


Besides An Evening with Kevin Smith, Chasing Amy is Smith's best rated film, clocking in at 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's by far his most mature, original, and coherent work. It's also one of his most divisive and controversial, especially within the LGBT community.


To sum up: Comic book artist Holden meets fellow comic book artist Alyssa Jones at some Comic-Con Lite panel, and Holden is instantly smitten. He and his writing partner/best friend Banky are stunned to realize that Alyssa is a lesbian; Holden pursues a friendship and subsequently a romantic relationship with Alyssa; Banky voices his homophobic disapproval throughout. [Here there be spoilers.] When Holden discovers that he is far from the first man Alyssa has slept with, he goes into a conservative douchebag tailspin and the two break up.


(Cards on the table: I have a definite bias towards this movie, largely due to Ben Affleck's Holden. Holden is the mascot for The Guys I Loved In High School - witty, staunchly homosocial, and geekily into comics.)

Jersey pompadour optional. Goatee not recommended.

This is awkward, because I know that Joey Lauren Adams is the titular Amy and everything, but queer women couldn't ask for a worse representative. Alyssa is abrasive, flighty, self-serious, and selfish. Her sexual orientation is presented as almost whim-based, driven more by curiosity and sexual appetite than anything; and she knowingly and aggressively baits the innocently by-standing Holden, without particularly caring about the emotional turmoil she's causing him. In short, she displays just about every stereotype there is about bisexuals. 

She's also a super-obnoxious karaoke-er.

Still, at no point does Alyssa abandon her queer identity, whether she's dating a woman or a man. And she doesn't give off the impression of someone who's fooling around with women while she waits for The Right Man - after she and Holden break up, we see her with a woman again. She dates whoever she wants, she is who she is, and stays fiercely unapologetic about it in the face of Holden's disdain. A woman who refuses to compromise herself for her romantic partner is a lamentably rare sight in movies.


Where my squeamishness comes in is that the characters and their various stereotypes are written by and filtered through a straight man's perspective. That perspective, just because it's an outsider's, feels clumsy at best and sometimes downright offensive. If only because of an in-group-out-group bias, a straight man trafficking in stereotypes about bisexual women is qualitatively different from a bisexual woman doing the same.


But even that is complicated, because Kevin Smith knows that his perspective is limited, and he tries to address it in various ways. One of them is a direct appeal from Silent Bob, who lectures Holden on the dangers of clinging to his narrow views on sexuality. One of them is actually one of my favourite scenes in any movie - Alyssa and Banky trading sex scar stories in a sweetly raunchy spin on the Indianapolis scene in Jaws. You basically just watch two people gleefully connect over past awkwardness, and for maybe two minutes they see each other as comrades instead of rivals. Unfortunately, Holden's innate and truly insidious conservatism jolts Banky back into his bro-y posturing, and he can't feel comfortable without throwing in one last offensive faux-question. What I'm trying to say is, Smith is very conscious of his limitations, and those limitations are kind of the point of the movie.


As I've probably mentioned before, effort makes a huge difference for me. Kevin Smith was clearly trying to step out of his comfort zone, exorcise some personal demons, and foster some good honest dialogue. That's more than you can say for most romantic comedies, which are content to regurgitate the same tropes about "the battle of the sexes" that were getting old when Jackie Gleason was trotting them out. As far as I'm concerned, Chasing Amy a thoughtful, funny, romantic, and complicated movie. It delights and discomfits me in roughly equal measure. And damnit, I love it for that.

Things that only look awesome in a montage

• training for a fight/race/game
• studying for the LSAT
• preparing for a court case that nobody expects you to win
• learning a new language
• building literally anything
• turning your failing business around
• painting a room
• payola schemes
• barricading a mall against zombies
• living in a mall during a zombie apocalypse
• losing weight
• trying on multiple outfits for an audience of friends
• benders
• going shopping
• giving someone a makeover
• going from zero to hero
• cooking a large meal for your restaurant's last business night
• going on a series of comically inappropriate dates
• getting a makeover
• war

The Artist is exactly as adorable as you've heard

I was seriously so ready to be disappointed by The Artist. I have an innate distrust of any movie that shows up with ready-made "Oscar buzz," and the whole silent movie idea seemed simultaneously pretentious and gimmicky. And in the interest of full disclosure, I've never seen a silent movie. No, not even Nosferatu or anything starring Buster Keaton. Still, the trailer intrigued me, and I've had a crush on lead Jean Dujardin since his adorable star-making turn in OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies. 

Phwoar.

So on New Year's Day I squeezed into a predictably packed theatre at E Street, rolling my eyes at my fellow elitists who were here instead of watching M-I:IV at the multiplex. 


The Artist follows silent movie star George Valentin and dancing extra Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo) as they meet, fall in love, and encounter the invention of movies with sound, or "talkies." Since it is itself a silent movie, all of the emoting and movement must be much broader than I'm used to. Broadness doesn't always correlate with shallowness, though, and both Dujardin and Bejo excel at deft character-defining strokes that truly sell the movie. One scene in particular, when we see George doing what he considers to be "getting into character," tells us exactly what kind of a performer he is and exactly why he's about to be made obsolete. It's marvelous. And director Michel Hazanavicius takes the opportunity to make the very most of the visual medium, staging beautiful shots and letting the camera glide about with the actors. 


For the first 10 minutes or so, my cynicism remained firmly in place, and I appreciated but didn't necessarily enjoy what was going on. But something happened as the movie twinkled merrily along. It might have been the sheer conviction of everyone in front of and behind the camera. It may have been all the tap dancing. Either way, I surrendered to its charms. As predictable as the arc was - no matter how it's dressed up, The Artist is a romantic comedy in the best sense - I found myself desperate to see George and Peppy get what they wanted. I cried at the tearjerker scene before registering it as The Tearjerker Scene, which you can imagine is quite a rare occurrence for me. 


There's something about good redemption stories, in which the hero/heroine either fails or succeeds at transcending, that always moves me. It was as true for Jerry Maguire as it was for Drive, and now for The Artist. George's journey from King Of The World to Pariah to Hopeful Comeback Kid stayed with me in a way that Peppy's untrammeled ascension didn't. In fact, if I have any complaints about the movie it's that Peppy didn't have much to do besides effervesce. But I feel like a grinch, complaining about someone effervescing when she does it so beautifully. 

"I can't help it that I'm popular!"

I don't think this movie's critical success signifies some kind of silent movie throwback trend. This was a terrific homage, but it was a one-off unlikely to be replicated. I also doubt very much that The Artist will win any Oscars besides perhaps Cinematography and Sound Editing. After all, if the Oscars hate anything more than Spike Lee, it's comedy. But hopefully the Dujardin-Bejo-Hazanavicius trio will keep on collaborating, because they make some real magic together. 

If the Republican presidential candidates were Mad Men

In the interest of full disclosure, I've been avoiding the Republican debates because I have enough blood pressure problems to deal with, thank you. But one can't help but absorb information and opinions about the bedraggled GOP presidential candidates through osmosis. With that in mind...The Republican presidential candidates and their Mad Men counterparts. 


Inspired by this tweet from Conan O'Brien - https://twitter.com/#!/ConanOBrien/status/156533011976953857

Mitt Romney - Duck Phillips

Shut up, Duck.

Conan is absolutely right. The practiced-yet-awkward pitchman patter. The disgust he incurs with every attempt to be funny and loose. The casual homophobia. It's all there, and it's all Duck.

Newt Gingrich - Roger Sterling

Witty, philandering "idea man" who is busy shilling a book instead of doing a real job. I'm also not saying that Newt has ever done blackface, but the image is out there now.

Ron Paul - Bert Cooper

If you don't really pay attention to him, you think he's just an irrelevant, eccentric old codger. But if you get him on a rant - about race relations, for instance - a nasty, insidious streak is revealed. 

John Huntsman - Guy Mackendrick

Handsome, intelligent, and experienced man who has fallen victim to very bad timing. In any other election year, this man would be the front runner and probable nominee. But this year...

He'll never golf again.

Rick Perry - Lee Garner, Jr

A Texas-sized doofus content to ride his Good Ol' Boy persona straight into the ground. Persistent rumours about his sexual orientation fly. 

Rick Santorum - Salvatore Romano

That's a sweater vest, bitches.

Seriously though.

Anatomy of a break-up: My year with Barack Obama's email subject lines

2011 was a rough year for President Obama for many reasons, not least of which was his dramatic rollercoaster ride of a relationship with my email inbox. Brought to you by the Obama communications team, I present Anatomy of a break-up: My year with Barack Obama's email subject lines.


January - The Break-Up
Sad but not surprising
No other way to put this
Promises Kept

In what seems like a purgative move, Obama and my inbox started the new year apart. Things had clearly been bad for a while, and it was clearly time to move on. Near the end of January, though, he made a snide remark about how few promises had been kept, and his passive-aggression started to show. This would be a recurring theme throughout the year. 


May - Rethinking Things
Fixing what's broken
Something happened

We spent several months with almost no contact at all. Our correspondence was professional and perfunctory, and for a while he seemed content to focus on budget negotiations and starting his 2012 campaign. In May, however, Obama began to miss what he had with my email inbox, and sought some sort of reconciliation. 

When I was young, I never needed anyone...

June - A Big Step
Dinner?
This is for real

My email inbox decided to play it cool and ignore his tentative pleas during the previous month. He became slightly more insistent, asking to see my inbox in person and demanding that I take this seriously.


July - Shifting Moods
Thank you for your commitment

Nothing in July but stinging sarcasm. My inbox remained unresponsive. 


August - Ultimatum
Here's the deal

Obama tried to reestablish his terms, hoping that taking a more dominant approach would woo my inbox back. This attempt failed miserably, leading to one of the most emotional months of the year. 


September - Stormy Weather
Marion, can we meet for dinner?
How this dinner thing works
It's officially over
Serious deadline
Decisions are riding on this
If I don't call you
Don't be shy
This has something to do with you
Last chance at dinner
What's stopping you, Marion?

Obama moves from pleading to threatening to wheedling, all to no avail. His desperation became obvious even to outsiders, who noted that he was totally losing control. The cool he had won us all over with was nowhere to be found. My inbox had driven him mad. 

Staring into the abyss.

October - Taking a Stand
"I will not take no for an answer"
It doesn't need to be this way
We can't wait

October saw a return to straight aggression, which was somewhat undercut by his complete breakdown in September. My inbox just couldn't take him seriously anymore. 


November - Big Things
Three years ago right now
Something special happened in Colorado
I'm bringing Michelle

Obama kicked November off with a drunken email from where we had our first date. His loneliness and nostalgia hit an all-time high in Colorado, where he started dating "Michelle." His next step was trying to make my inbox jealous. (It wouldn't work.)


December - Taking Stock
[from Michelle]- Marion, I want to meet you
I won't lie to you
This is not a game
What I wrote
Here's what I need you to know

Michelle tried and failed to get my inbox to take the bait, and by mid-December Obama finally began to realize his mistakes. He finally apologized for what he had written over the past year, and he resolved to start 2012 with a clean slate. 

Happy New Year?

Why Community got benched

One of the first posts I (co-)wrote for this blog was a review of Community's pilot. At the time, I said "The show felt a bit twitchy and self-satisfied, and the pacing is a little off -- but it makes quite a few rather witty observations, and the dynamic between the characters is great. I seem to remember a certain little show called 30 Rock which, at the beginning, had this same jittery feel...Community will be eminently watchable once it hits its stride." I've watched every episode since then at least twice, and now that I finally have a TV again I get to watch it live on Thursday nights. Basically, I got in at the ground floor and have only loved it more as its grown over the past few years. Which is why I was gutted, but not at all surprised, to hear that Community got suspended from NBC's mid-season lineup. Bloggers and TV people have been predicting its cancellation since season 3 began, in light of the simple and unfortunate fact that nobody is watching this show.

This may or may not have been my initial reaction.

From the beginning, Community had been weird, exclusive, and (at first glance) kind of caustic. While people inexplicably and constantly compared Modern Family to Arrested Development when it first came out, I'd say Community is the more similar of the sitcoms. And it takes a certain kind of person to want to watch that type of show every week. Frankly, it takes a certain kind of person to watch the pilot of any show and say, "I didn't love that, but I'll stick around to see if it gets better." I sure as hell didn't do that with Up All Night, nor did I even try to move out of my comfort zone to watch The New Girl. So that's one hurdle.


Community also rewards people who have been watching every episode since the beginning. Pick any episode from the second season, especially the latter half. Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design, for instance. Unless you're reasonably familiar with conspiracy movies, the relationships between Jeff, Annie, and the Dean, and the role that Troy and Abed play in their study group and on campus, that episode makes little sense and probably gives a minimal level of enjoyment. Put another way - here's a screencap of creator Dan Harmon and stars Alison Brie, Joel McHale, and Donald Glover reacting to the news:

I liked Horsebot 3000...

That is COMPLETELY incoherent to anyone who hasn't seen every episode of season 3 so far, as well as one random episode from season 2; and nobody who doesn't follow these guys on Twitter or read The Daily What on a daily basis would have even seen this. That's a lot of effort to put in for a television show, which is supposed to be fun and easy. 


Contrast that with any episode of Modern Family. They all have the exact same plot - the grizzled patriarch is worried about being too old for his hot wife; the uptight mom drives everyone crazy with her anal-retentive ways, but they love her for it; the gay couple has a completely unimportant tiff that gets resolved with 2 lines of dialogue in the finale. Nobody's buzzing about it on The AV Club or Splitsider the next day, but they bring in the ratings like nobody's business.


At the end of the day, Community was tailor-made for a niche demographic. Recent college graduates who use pop culture references as a way to relate to each other, have enough energy to keep plot threads in their minds over the course of several seasons, and are willing to spend time searching for visual Easter eggs (like Amy Poehler's hilarious stock photo showing up in a hospital break room) are the show's bread and butter.

COME ON!

When those are the only people you talk to, or the only blogs you read, you're tricked into thinking there are a lot of you out there. But there aren't. You could say that this is the Nielsen rating system's fault (even though they factor in online and DVR views, and NBC is especially mindful of things like that), but seriously - how many people do you think are really watching Community? 3.5 million sounds about right to me. 


This isn't a screed against Middle America's intellectual laziness, or about why we can't have nice things. If anything, it's my attempt to rationalize something before it ends up breaking my heart. Community is by far the most ambitious, unusual, warm-hearted, and intelligent show on TV, and it will leave a big hole in my heart when it goes. But the fact that it's existed as long as it has is encouraging, and the fact that there are at least 3.5 million people up in arms about its impending death is even more so, even if six seasons and a movie isn't in the cards. 

Still...