Some of the Greatest Spaced Moments

This week, one of the greatest shows to grace our screens turned 10. If you haven't seen an episode of Spaced yet, you're well in luck, because Hulu (that glorious beast) has both seasons available for your free enjoyment. Unfortunately, if you haven't seen an episode of Spaced yet, this entire list will make little-to-no sense to you. Why don't you go have a watch now? Until then, skip to the end.

Some of the Greatest Spaced Moments

This is by no means a definitive list. Some truly exceptional moments - our introduction to Tyres, for instance - just can't be explained with words. Alas, here is my effort to commemorate some of my favorite moments, in no particular order.

1) Tim & Sophie's Sex Life
While it was a (sadly) short-lived relationship, Tim and Sophie's was one worth rooting for. Sophie's re-distribution to the States was almost as disappointing for me as it was for Tim, but it did at least lead to a disarming/charming moment in which it's revealed that Tim dabbles in wearing makeup and women's underwear. It shouldn't be so unusual to see a happy couple doing something other than turning off the light and assuming the gentle missionary position; in any case, this was a refreshing and oddly sweet exception.

2) Zomb-o-vision
There's something really lovely about witnessing the birth of a great movie idea. So it was with Tim's immersion into his zombie video game. Excellent sound and camera editing, and just absolutely, adorably spot on one-liners from Tim ("You want a piece of me? Come get some."). Perfectly punctuated as well by Daisy's cheerily oblivious appearance in her lovely pajamas.

3) Whatever I Said, Whatever I Did
I never thought there would be an appropriate use of Take That's "Back For Good," but I suppose I just lack vision. When used correctly, this song can elicit chuckles of surprise and appreciation, as well as a bit of a lump in the throat. Of course, the only way to use it correctly is to use it in a wonderful Say Anything reference, with a tank and a homemade banner, in order to win back one's perpetually drunk landlady.

4) Happy Birthday to Ya
The best delivery of the best birthday song around. As great as Tim is when he's in his usual dour mood, seeing him (even momentarily) joyful really warms the heart. One of the few bright spots of poor Daisy's rather lackluster birthday.

5) Rescuing Colin
This entire episode seems to have been made with the sole intention of winning my heart, what with all the references to some of my favourite movies (An American Werewolf in London, Don't Look Now). But the rescue mission may well be one of the best plots and executions in the history of television. Daisy's adorable hat, the kindhearted security guard, Twist's makeup bag, and the return of Colin: classic.

6) Stupid Hair
Daisy's shameless love affair with Colin was absolutely inevitable (look at his little mustache! And his adorable eyes!). No less inevitable, of course, was Tim's ensuing jealousy, which he illuminates in an excellently delivered and shot monologue. His sensitivity to Daisy's break up is quickly cut short by his observation that "to top it all off, her hair looks stupid, all the time." In the same moment, it's revealed that nobody's sitting on the bench next to him, which somehow doesn't seem all that strange...until Mike reveals that he's been disguised as a shrubbery all the while. Hilarious and flawless representation of the show's two central relationships.

7) Paintball Death
It's hard to choose the best part of Tim & Mike's paintball excursion - after all, there's Duane's dual-colored comeuppance, Tim's balletic celebratory jump, and Mike's insistence on taking everything entirely too seriously. However, for sheer absurdity, I have to pick Mike's paintball death. Spitting up yellow paint instead of blood was a surreal/inspired choice, and nicely undermines Mike's stoic farewell. Just another day at the paintball range!

M

We will absolutely stop ragging on Jennifer's Body...

...after this one small point.

In just over a month, the film The Maiden Heist will be released on DVD. You may have already heard the story of this film -- if you haven't, NPR tells it pretty well. But let's refer, for now, to a hypothetical film, which stars Christopher Walken, Morgan Freeman, William H. Macy, and Marcia Gay Harden. The first three play museum security guards (Harden plays Walken's wife) who fall in love with a painting they have long been guarding and, upon hearing that it will be sold to another museum, attempt to steal it back. Would you see such a film? I totally would. You know why? Because it sounds totally awesome.

Unfortunately, though, no one will ever see that movie in theaters. The Maiden Heist is being released straight to DVD because (read the NPR article; they explain it better than I do), after the movie wrapped, the production company that was to release it suffered massive losses due to the financial downturn. The money that would be used to market the movie dried up.

Which is why it makes me all the more mad that Jennifer's Body even exists: because that movie got so much publicity it wasn't even funny (and oh, did it ever try to be). And it totally squandered all of that hype by, well, being bad. With so many trailers for Jennifer's Body, all of them featuring such incomprehensibly bad acting and writing, I'm not entirely sure I've ever seen the quantity of hype given to any other movie so outstrip the quality. By my (admittedly unscientific) estimate, if some very small fraction of the screentime those terrible previews got had been given to The Maiden Heist, maybe it could have made it to theaters. When so much of a movie's success rests on how it's marketed, this whole thing just seems kind of cruel.

And who benefits? Jennifer's Body is still doing poorly in theaters. Possibly because it sucks.

I know, I'm picking on an easy target, a big-budget Megan Fox movie, in favor of the one that was (still is!) likely to garner critical acclaim and is championed by NPR -- I sound like an elitist snob. I totally am. But I think I'm right about really wanting to see The Maiden Heist -- even if the principle of the matter weren't compelling enough, it sounds like a really enjoyable film. So I'm going to rent it when it comes out. You should, too.

V

Special Guest Review

In the interest of saving M & V some brain cells, time, and money, I’ve volunteered myself to watch the Diablo Cody horror-comedy-feminist-sexy-trashy masterpiece Jennifer’s Body and live-blog it. Here goes, America.

10:37 Megan Fox refers to an uncircumized penis as a sea cucumber.
11:14 Slow motion of Adam Brody putting on a guitar. This movie uses slow motion the way heroin users use heroin.
The band, Adam Brody, knows that Megan Fox is a tease who won’t give it up. Fox admits that she’s not even a “backdoor virgin.” She’s playing ditzy-cute eyes while Adam Brody plays some generic “alt-rock.” If he starts singing about a cloud or the city, I’m gonna throw up.
“Nothing left but the memories in the wind.” END MY LIFE.

More...
15:46 Do we need to see this whole song? Apparently, to see Fox grab Seyfried’s hand and squeal in joy.
16:14 The bar is on fire. For no reason. I think Megan Fox started the fire with her mind. She’s way too amazed by the fire. Yeah. She started it with her mind. I’m convinced.
17:46 “Do you want to go somewhere safer? Like my van?”
The van is driving off into the darkness. Does Megan Fox begin her killing spree now?
No. We have to watch Seyfried cry to her boyfriend about the bar on fire and Fox being taken in the van. “Did you get the make and model?” “I DON’T KNOW AN ’89 RAPIST.”
21:06 Seyfried is standing on the front porch after the doorbell rang. There’s no one there but the shadows are moving behind her. Is this movie serious?
22:04 Seyfried looking all around her creepy dark house. Does she have parents? Does anyone in this movie have parents?
22:42 Fox covered in blood. Dripping all over the linoleum. Seyfried’s imaginary parents are gonna be PISSED.
23:11 Fox just started rummaging through the fridge and ate a rotisserie chicken with her bare hands, and screeched like an orc from Lord of the Rings.
22:54 SHE JUST VOMITED BLOOD ON EVERYTHING.
25:31 MEANWHILE BACK AT SCHOOL!
26:20 Now Megan Fox is like totally okay, guys! “Where you at, Monistat!”
27:26 “You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation” Why was this movie written?
27:42 Oh! It’s Juno’s dad as a teacher.
28:13 The adult is trying to be hip and tell the kids not to focus on who’s a “cool dude” or a “ho” during this tragedy.
28:40 I’m sick of all this slow motion already. Did Diablo Cody not have enough words to fill up an actual movie?
30:02 A creepy emo kid tells Seyfried that he’s happy she’s not dead. He obviously wants to have sex with her. He will die.
30:58 Fox approaches a football player while death metal plays to give her sympathies to the football player. She uses the memory of the football player’s dead friend to seduce him. “Feel my heart, Jonas. I think it’s broken.”
32:16 They are making out in the 15 acre wood behind their school. This football player will die.
32:45 The forest animals are watching them and pissed at Fox. Animals know.
33:08 “They’re waiting” for what, Fox? Your boobs? They are rabbits and foxes.
33:49 Cartoon blood pretty much sprays everywhere.
34:29 The band from the bar is on the radio exploiting the tragedy. We haven’t heard the last from you, Adam Brody.
35:16 Amy Sedaris is Seyfried’s mom, she’s a drunk and sleeps til 4pm. She had a night terror. She calls Jesus “JC” and she’s a “hard-ass Ford-Tough Mama Bear” Amy. Who let you do this?
37:14 “I feel so scrumptious!” says Fox shaking her ass in the mirror.
38:31 Megan Fox burns her tongue with a lighter and magically heals herself. There’s no point to this entire movie.
39:51 “This can’t be a coincidence” A bar burns down MUST be connected to a football player being found in the woods dismembered. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense, Seyfried.
Someone just said “Tragedy Boner.”
41:23 Juno’s Dad doesn’t have a hand and also is the only teacher at this high school.
41:56 The band from the Bar (BFTB) is releasing their hit single as a charity single. “It’s true. It’s on the Wikipedia” says the Asian chick. The only minority who has any lines so far. Seyfried defines crass as “Greedy, exploitative, scummy” That doesn’t sound right.
43:33 Creepy Emo guy is back trying to ask Megan Fox out. He has black nail polish. He invites Fox to Rocky Horror Picture Show, which she thinks is about boxing.
44:51 Megan Fox just invites him to her house. “I’ll text you my address.” I'd like to add “It’s where you will die.”
45:30 “I went to Super Target and picked up more condoms.” Teen Romance.
46:42 Finally someone has sex without being eaten by a demon. Good for you, Seyfried. At least this sex scene isn’t in slow motion. For that, I am thankful.
47:25 Emo guy driving to Fox’s house listening to a cover of “I can see clearly now” while he gets scared to approach Fox’s dark creepy house. All houses in this movie are dark and creepy. No one lives in a cheerful split level, I take it, in Devil’s Kettle.
48:52 For some reason, the Emo guy like climbs into a window to get into Megan Fox’s house.

PART 2 (Time stamps restart at zero)

00:52 Seyfried’s boyfriend bought “slippery scroll” condoms. “It’s supposed to make it feel good for the girl.” I can’t determine what isn't unnecessary about this movie.
1:24 MEGAN FOX HAS SET UP A SEDUCTION CHAMBER WITH AKON’S “I WANNA LOVE YOU” AS THE SOUNDTRACK.
2:15 “We can play Mommy and Daddy” says Fox to emo guy. This whole town has parent issues.
2:39 “you give me such a wetty” which is guess is the female version of wood.
3:50 Megan Fox’s eyes just did some crazy demon shit. The Emo guy apparently realizes that that’s demon shit. She tears his arms off.
4:28 Seyfried sees blood or something falling through the ceiling. She can sense when Fox is killing someone.
5:07 This movie is now using shadows to show Fox transforming into a demon and killing someone. Seyfried is screeching. “Am I too big?” says her ever hopeful boyfriend. Don’t worry, Chip, your girlfriend can just sense when her “biff” is having sex with and murdering boys in town. It’s nothing you did.
6:27 Seyfried screams when she hears BFTB’s single on the radio. She’s driving to do what exactly, find her best friend as she’s killing someone?
7:00 She almost runs over bloodied Fox standing in the middle of the road. Fox jumps on the hood of the car. For no real reason.
I’m convinced just about everything is happening in this movie for no real reason.
8:11 Flashbacks to Fox being creepy and covered in blood. Seyfried’s mind likes to make her flash back to things that happened mere minutes ago and in sepia.
8:50 “Ugh Needy, enough with the screaming, you’re such a cliché.” Diablo Cody, a cliché of what?
9:22 Fox makes out with Seyfried. There’s an extreme close up of their lips with no sound and in slow motion. Okay, now they’re on top of each other making out. Does Megan Fox have the ability to seduce anyone in this movie?
10:35 Seyfried suddenly remembers that Fox kills people. Megan Fox says she can’t get in trouble because she has the cops in her back pocket because she’s a “cadet.” What?
11:23 I think we’re going to figure out where her evil powers come from. Apparenlty BFTB are agents of Satan. Fox asks them if they’re rapists.
11:53 Fox claims that she’s a virgin so they won’t hurt her. “I haven’t even done the sex”
12:37 They are preparing some sort of demon ritual for Fox. They are apparently sacrificing Megan Fox so they can be famous and rich “like that guy from Maroon 5” I bet Adam Levine, that guy from Maroon 5, is upset he’s mentioned in this movie.
14:06 This movie just turned into Rosemary’s Baby.
15:37 BFTB is singing some insane song while stabbing Megan Fox, in GET THIS, SLOW MOTION.
16:59 All this to say that Megan Fox is a zombie. I want to turn this off.
18:30 Megan Fox cuts herself open with a letter opener and then heals instantly. This movie is ripping off Rosemary’s Baby, X-Men, and zombie movies.
20:56 Seyfried's reading out loud about Succubi, demons, and how to destroy them. That’s annoying in the library.
21:48 Seyfried keeps having visions of Megan Fox covered in blood. Does this movie have some sort of menstrual message?
22:53 Seyfried’s boyfriend is also surprised that the library has an occult section.
25:04 A montage of getting ready for the dance. This movie hasn’t had a montage in a while.
26:57 Seyfried’s dress has puffy sleeves, what year is this supposed to be?
27:00 Seyfried’s boyfriend is gonna go and he doesn’t need pepper spray because he’s been using “the Bowflex.” Does Diablo Cody think adding “the” in front of random nouns makes it hipper?
27:41 Seyfried’s boyfriend is walking alone in a field. He’s gonna die.
29:34 When you’re a succubus lying to your best friend’s boyfriend that your best friend has been having an affair, it’s best to use the the term “porking”
30:14 BFTB is playing the big school dance.
I don’t care what happens to anyone in this movie.
31:12 Megan Fox is going to have sex with then murder Seyfried’s boyfriend in the woods. Where is this town? It’s seriously in the middle of 10 forests.
31:48 Seyfried can feel Megan Fox kissing her boyfriend because she touches her lips then drops her cup of punch.
32:54 Megan Fox has taken Seyfried’s boyfriend to an abandoned pool to eat him. Seyfried is running in slow motion.
33:58 Fox is trying to drown him. I don’t care if this person lives or dies.
34:20 Seyfried, don’t drop to your knees when you see your boyfriend’s corsage on the ground. You know she’s a succubus. You know there’s not much of this "time" thing.
35:05 Now they’re fighting in the pool. Seyfried just kinda put Megan Fox on the bottom so she stays there I guess.
35:54 Pepper spray in the eyse stops demons and makes them hover and projectile vomit.
“She can fly?” “She’s just hovering, it’s not that impressive.” “Why do you have to undermine everything I do? You’re such a player hater!”
37:28 Good, Seyfried’s boyfriend stabbed Fox in the stomach with a pool skimmer. “Got a tampon?” I KNEW THIS MOVIE WAS ABOUT PERIODS!
38:02 Megan Fox then just jumps out and window and walks away.
Only ten minutes left in this nightmare of a movie.
39:00 This interaction between Seyfried and her boyfriend is the least emotional thing I’ve seen all year.
40:00 Megan Fox lies in bed circling who she’s gonna eat next in the yearbook.
40:44 Seyfried breaks into Fox’s bed room to murder her. “You killed my fucking boyfriend! You god damn monster”
41:40 After Seyfried slices Fox with a box cutter, Fox starts to fly around and Seyfried rips off her BFF necklace, which falls to the floor in slow motion, which I guess kills Megan Fox. I’m no expert in the occult. I should do my research at my college library.
43:44 Megan Fox’s mom discovers her dead body with Seyfried standing over her.
44:28 Seyfried is in the same institution as in the beginning, she has absorbed demon powers because she was bitten and survived. She floats up to a window, kicks it open and walks out. I love low security mental institutions.
45:56 Seyfried gets in a car with an old man so she can follow BFTB to murder them.
46:51 Montage/clips of BFTB over the credits. Seyfried kills them off screen.


Ali B, who deserves acclaim for distinguishing herself conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of her life above and beyond the call of duty.

Smug Gloating

Just wanted to point out that I was completely wrong about Jennifer's Body. Rather than making a goatload of money, as I predicted, the Megan Fox's body vehicle only made $6.9 million. Diablo Cody's "feminist" "masterpiece" got stomped by Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, a movie with no real stars - at least, no actors with the level of notoriety that Ms Fox has attained.

Maybe the world isn't going to hell after all.

M

The Worst Worst Movie Ever?

There is a relatively small but fervent sub-culture in movie fandom that dedicates itself to appreciating Bad Movies. This isn't the same as loving Matthew McCoughnablahblah's movies ca. 2000-2009 - the people involved in making movies like that probably think they're making something qualitatively average, if not good. No, Bad Movies are something else entirely. A quick test to judge whether you fall into this category: would you pay money to see Troll 2 in theatres? If you answered 'What is Troll 2,' congratulations - you are a normal person, free from the curse of Bad Movie Love.

Bad Movies revel in their tackiness. Shoestring budgets, absurd line readings, and flamboyantly bad special effects are a must. This clip is the perfect storm of Bad Movies. Please note that the florid green play-doh on the floor is meant to be a human's trollified body. Please note the frenetic Casio soundtrack. And - it seems too obvious to say - please note this man's "acting." It's very clear that nobody was under the impression that they were making a good film - how could they, with a special effects/makeup budget of $5 (author's approximation)? But somehow one feels that everyone involved really enjoyed making this masterpiece, and their enjoyment is contagious.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus should have been a Bad Movie. The trailer led me to believe it was some kind of adorable action movie spoof, in the same vein as Snakes on a Plane. A shark jumps out of the water and eats a commercial plane, for crying out loud! That's solid gold comedy! Plus, nobody casts Debbie "Deborah" Gibson in a lead role in seriousness, right? I mean, that casting move alone has to be a joke...right?

Well, yes and no. Yes, in that Gibson is laughable in the role. No, in that I'm not sure that was anyone's intentions. Her irritating earnestness harks back to Bess Campbell's performance in Jaws 3 - for some reason, she's giving this movie everything she's got, and it a) really shows and b) is just horribly pathetic. The rest of the cast fares no better, from the solemn and wise Japanese scientist/star cross'd lover to the "charming" and "offbeat" professor whose Irishness is played so broadly his name may as well be Eringobragh O'Houlihan. Somehow, sadly, none of these performances is any fun. They merely inspire irritation or boredom.

Special effects, especially in Bad Shark Movies, are usually the most laughable (yet somehow endearing) element involved. This movie is absolutely no exception, featuring a shark that I could have made more convincing using only MS Paint, and an octopus made of foam. Just actual foam.

Not author's rendering. Actual screen shot from actual film.

That thing isn't a shark, it's a gray sausage! Even Shark Attack III: Megalodon had the decency to use footage of a real shark! Admittedly, that left it no choice but to use really horrible green screening, but they were trying, dammit. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus seems to be ashamed of its effects, too, choosing to cut any "action" shots featuring its stars in an almost epileptic fashion. I can only assume the goal was to distract the audience enough that they'd look anywhere but the screen; and honestly, I think that's the only way to enjoy this film.

M

NBC's New Comedy Addition

NBC's Comedy Night Done Right has always been a bit hit-or-miss. For every (good episode of) The Office, there was My Name is Earl; for every 30 Rock, there was a whatever-the-hell-that-Molly-Shannon-debacle-was-called. Because of their spotty record, we believe we were right in being cautiously pessimistic about this new show, Community. After all, it involves a bunch that could easily be described as "ragtag," and the star is Joel McHale, host of the flamboyantly annoying The Soup.

Imagine our surprise, then, when we thoroughly enjoyed Community's pilot. The whole premise seems harmlessly silly at first - a lawyer gets caught lying about a B.A, and so goes to community college to get one - but has a very refreshing barb to it. Said lawyer, played to the charismatically sleazy hilt by McHale, feels about community college the way I suspect most of us do but wouldn't admit in mixed company. "If I wanted to learn something," he cheerfully sneers, "I wouldn't have come to community college." Even the school's dean can think of no extemporaneous argument against it being a "loser" college.

There are a few of the trappings of a kind of dumb sitcom -- McHale's character goes to his friend, a professor at the college and, in exchange for past legal favor, asks for Every Answer to Every Test in Every Class Every Semester. Why is it that sitcoms always think there exists such an answer sheet, maybe behind eight locked doors in the office of the Dean of Secrets? Also, another sitcom fixture: the characters, as well as their secrets, are introduced a little quickly. (Says one: "I dropped out of high school because I thought it would impress Radiohead.")

However, the characters, once they were introduced, were what made the show enjoyable. The answer-packet-wielding friend, Duncan, pulls off the tightly-wound, absent-minded professor role, while still seeming like enough of an asshole to associate with McHale's character. Then there are our lawyer friend's classmates -- including, in an exciting surprise, Trudy from Mad Men! She plays Adderall Annie -- the high-strung, twitchy overachiever who allegedly dropped out of high school to fix her pill addiction (based on her character's demeanor, we're not sure she succeeded -- and yet, being Trudy, she's still adorable.) We're told about this by her classmate, Troy, the prom king who can't decide whether to stop wearing his letterman's jacket. Anyway, they, along with the other characters (including, lest we forget, Chevy Chase), form a pretty funny ensemble.

The show felt a bit twitchy and self-satisfied, and the pacing is a little off -- but it makes quite a few rather witty observations, and the dynamic between the characters is great. I seem to remember a certain little show called 30 Rock which, at the beginning, had this same jittery feel -- like 30 Rock, we think Community will be eminently watchable once it hits its stride.

V & M

Mad Men, You So Crazy!

I'm a bit slow to comment, but this week's episode of Mad Men was pretty, shall we say, intriguing. First of all, when it comes to predicting what people will want to see, the writers of Mad Men appear to be as good as, well, the actual Mad Men: I'm referring, in particular, to the fact that the show has been uncannily good at answering what seemed to be a universal desire to see racial issues explored this season. After all, there was Roger's shoe-polish debacle, as well as the whole it-being-1963 thing in general -- and they definitely didn't let us down this week. In fact, this week the good people at Mad Men managed to combine two of their most important priorities as of late: (1) continuing to answer the need for racial commentary, and (2) reminding us that Pete Campbell is a man with ideas, damnit. Campbell's scene in the elevator -- in which, placing himself way ahead of his time, he seems to discover racially-targeted marketing, only to be reprimanded by all of upper management for going so far as to encourage (gasp!) marketing to black people -- is this week's Thing That Appears Totally Backwards in 2009 Being Totally Forward-Thinking in 1963 moment. These days, if you accosted some poor dude in an elevator and asked him whether he felt racially predisposed towards a certain type of television set, you would be called into the boss' office for a whole different sort of reprimand.

But the really intriguing thing this week was Betty's epic dream sequence. We've got two theories about this. The first: maybe, by juxtaposing the baby with all that blood and Betty's dead parents, they're trying to arrange Betty's new loss of (whatever) independence (she had) as a death of sorts. It would make sense, considering that last scene, in which she wanders forlornly off toward the sound of her baby crying -- not to mention the fact that she named it after her dead father. But if this is what they were going for, we think that's kind of lame -- doing the whole, "Being a woman like totally sucked back then" thing. Not because it isn't fair or true, but just because it's kind of... boring. Somewhat unoriginal. (Much like the similar plot line, also in this week's episode, of poor Peggy Olson trying to convince her boss that a brand new thing called feminism is happening, so he'd better consider paying her as much as the big bad boys, only to be rebuffed. But I digress.)

The second possibility, though: maybe Betty's actually going to die. There was some thought that maybe she'd die in childbirth, which of course she didn't, but is it possible she hasn't escaped her fate. After all, the whole thing with the blood, and even the question, "Am I going to die?" was never entirely resolved, and Mad Men loves foreshadowing. It'd be interesting if they actually made this work, but it's anybody's guess how --or whether-- they're going to. In any event, though, in a show that's so clean and stylized, the sinister imagery was pretty cool -- pleasantly weird, in a way we've come to expect from Mad Men.

Which brings me to the inaugural issue of...

The Thing that Weirded Me Out Most About Mad Men This Week: This week, it's a two-way tie -- and it should say a lot about both of these things that I'm mentioning them and not, you know, Sally Draper smearing blood all over her face. Numero Uno: Duck Phillips in a turtleneck. His meeting with Peggy and Pete was just kind of awkward, what with him dressing like Simon and Garfunkel and telling them, all glassy-eyed, that they should follow him into the Promised Land. And the second thing that weirded me out this week: Sally Draper's weird teacher, Ms. Farrell (Feral?) -- who is this crazy? Don has big things to worry about, lady. Not you calling him up, drunkenly cooing about all your drama and whatever into the phone. I hope she's not going to sleep with Don --for a change, he seemed genuinely disinterested in extramarital affairs-- but, if she does, I hope they take it somewhere interesting. Until then, she's just some lady with a lot of feelings.

V

EDIT: more on Jennifer's Body

In the spirit of investigative journalism, I watched some clips from Jennifer's Body. They were all pretty forgettable, but one particular exchange stood out as truly hilarious:

Jennifer: How could I ever be insecure? I was the Snowflake Queen!
Needy: Yeah...that was two years ago. When you were socially relevant.
Jennifer: I am STILL socially relevant!

Maybe I didn't go to a small enough town, but is "social relevance" really on the kids' minds these days? Is Diablo Cody teaching me something I never knew about the teenage experience??
Or is she just making shit up, secure in the knowledge that some adults will insist for the rest of their days that it was their teenage experience (like they do with John Hughes movies)?

M

Learning from the Jennifer's Body trailer

By now, everyone has seen at least one of the trailers for Jennifer's Body (and if you haven't, you can see them here, or here if ya nasty). I won't pretend I haven't watched it several times already. But after the knee-jerk thrill of seeing Megan Fox doing something besides pretending to be attracted to Shia LaBeouf subsided, I was left feeling curiously disappointed.

Firstly, I'm disappointed that Diablo Cody is still writing anything. I hate Diablo Cody and every obnoxious word that she pens, and judging by the trailer, I'm sure that Jennifer's Body will be no less insufferable than Ju"most overrated movie in the past few years"no. Pseudo-cool and -witty dialogue like "You should get a Chinese chick to buff your situation" and "They're agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts" runs amok. The red band trailer also contains a completely incomprehensible reference to sex smelling like Thai food, apparently for no other reason than to sound provocatively hilarious (hilariously provocative?). Unfortunately, it sounds...completely incomprehensible. All of her dialogue sounds like an unholy blend of The O.C. and any of Vh1's "I Love the... " many episodes - intolerable smugness mixed with uncannily annoying pop culture references.

Second, I'm disappointed in Megan Fox as an entity. I hate to see someone completely embrace her position as eye candy so early in the game, but Fox seems to be doing so with a vengeance. Not that I object to someone's attractiveness being a plot point, or the butt of self-aware jokes - after all, Jon Hamm's stint on 30 Rock was very, very welcome.

Seriously. No complaints.

For this trick to work, however, one's attractiveness cannot be one's only calling card. Jon Hamm is also a fantastic dramatic and comedic actor. Megan Fox, it would appear, is a fantastic clothes wearer (and remover!). Her line readings sound like the self-satisfied purrings of any dime-a-dozen hottie. I would submit that starring in this movie is a calculated pandering move, and as proof I'll use the following:

1) This exchange:
"I thought you only killed boys!"
"I go both ways."

2) This picture:

"How did this picture get leaked?!!? Oh nooooooooo."

Thirdly, I'm disappointed in the entire plot (that I can derive from the trailers). Female sexuality represented as some sort of demon/monster/evil thing? That storyline sounds positively medieval. I'm sure Diablo Cody is convinced she's the first person to ever come up with the idea that "teenage girls are scary," but that doesn't really change the fact that she's made yet another movie in which the sexually aggressive girl gets punished for being so.

There's no doubt in my mind that, despite early negative reviews, not to mention the tremendous power my opinion wields, Jennifer's Body will go on to make some serious bank. Hopefully, though, when Cody realizes that her latest attempt will miss out on all that critical acclaim she's still milking, she'll try to come up with some actual ideas of her own to win it back.

M

Go See "In the Loop"

Is it just me, or do representations of politics in the movies and on TV tend to be pretty rosy? Even when they purport to be satirical, shows and movies about politics tend to feature brilliant political masterminds who believe deeply in what they say, or young, idealistic interns who believe deeply in the brilliant political masterminds they work for. Even those who are corrupt are, well, brilliant political masterminds. I'm thinking of a lot of work by Aaron Sorkin, in which characters spend their most of their time marching around the White House with a sense of urgency, exchanging unrealistically witty banter, or making inspiring speeches to dramatic music.

In the Loop features that sense of urgency as well as the witty banter. However, its characters are refreshingly uninspiring -- the film offers a genuinely satirical look at the inner workings of politics, without eliciting more than occasional sympathy, let alone admiration, for any of its subjects. It follows political figures and underlings in Britain and America through the process of deciding whether to go to war -- a process of deception, betrayal, documents of varying quality being referred to as "intel," et cetera. On the British side of things, nebbishy intern Toby (Chris Addison) has just started working for the incompetent Minister of Foreign Development Simon Foster (Tom Hollander) -- whose one, misguided comment during a radio interview catapults him to the forefront of the debate. The two are led by their communications officer, the screaming, vitriolic Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi), whose main goal appears to be keeping Foster from doing any more damage. While Tucker's tirades represent some of the movie's most hilarious moments (commenting on the age of an intern: "His briefing notes were written in alphabet spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord."), they are occasionally out-of-place and grow somewhat tiresome. It's not even that his monologues are unrealistic --after all, as I mentioned, one becomes used to the "West Wing" standard of realistic political dialogue-- but more that he talks like someone who thinks he's uproariously funny -- even though he is, his manic self-satisfaction becomes grating, to the point that one eventually hopes he gets his just desserts. (Does he? See the movie and you'll find out.)

I almost wished there had been less time spent on the character of Tucker, and more on the spot-on portrayal of the American contingent, led mainly by harried Assistant Secretary of Defense Karen Clarke (Mimi Kennedy) and, representing the Pentagon, Lt. Gen George Miller (James Gandolfini). They, along with Clarke's intern Liza (Anna Chlumsky), represent the American anti-war faction, who are up against cold, vaguely sociopathic warhawk Linton Barwick (David Rasche). The dynamic between these characters is spot-on: Barwick, detached and dismissive, is always two steps ahead of Clarke and Miller -- the former of whom, in what seems to be a very welcome nod to the frequent demonization of women in government, makes herself appear tragically frantic and shrill in her vain attempt to keep up with Barwick's machinations. Meanwhile, Gandolfini's Miller escapes this fate, maintaining a sort of charm and playing the role of a genuinely nice guy -- until, of course, he isn't.

And that's exactly what's so great about In the Loop: there isn't a single nice character in it, and the film allows you to find that out for yourself. It's not just that characters who seem nice wind up being calculating and evil -- the movie captures the more dull, witless opportunism at the heart of everyone's actions. One character makes a pathetic bid to get intel from another by reminding him that, once upon a time, they slept together. Another character screws over some colleagues by setting a time to meet with them, and then just not showing up. Brilliant political masterminds these are not. And yet, the film leaves the viewer with more than just the typical feeling of, Oh, I sure do hope this isn't how the government actually works. It isn't just a film about the decisions made by shady political figures -- it's about the people themselves, and how they attempt to ruin one another. In a world in which any movie that has anything negative to say is called "intelligent" and "cynical", In the Loop really, truly is a highly intelligent, cynical film -- and a hilarious one at that.

V

The Boring Insanity of District 9

Critics, they tell us, are hailing District 9 as a new classic of the sci-fi genre. It holds an 90% at Rotten Tomatoes, a rather remarkable feat. And the trailers don't hint so much as flat out tell one to expect greatness at every level. Unfortunately, District 9 is mediocre at best, sometimes achieving great depths of badness.

Any talk you heard about incisive social commentary was almost assuredly the ramblings of a fan. The treatment of the extraterrestrials serves as a rather poor, not to mention shallow, analogy for apartheid. Director Blomkamp seems to have nothing more interesting to say than "apartheid is bad;" meanwhile, the quarantining of an unknown and dangerous organism, especially one from goddamn outer space, isn't at all analogous to racism. It's common sense. Plus, if the "prawns" are meant to represent black South Africans, then the film wanders into offensive territory. After all, all but one of these guys are childlike, easily distracted, and generally shiftless. Surely this isn't what Blomkamp wants us to think?

After an intriguing 15 minutes of documentary-style exposition, the film takes a rather disappointing shift into what can essentially be called a Blood Diamond remake. Substitute alien weapons for diamonds, and the Afrikaaner David Brent for Leo DiCaprio, and it's essentially the same story - a woeful tale of a brutally marginalized population which for some reason can only be told through the experiences of a white man - but with more aliens. The evil corporation is there. The tender subplot about a noble minority's relationship with his son is there. The subtitling of black African characters while they speak completely comprehensible but accented English is there. I suspect Blomkamp knows this, too, because the sudden jolts of gore and violence smack of desperation for an audience's attention. Several plot elements seem to exist for the exact same reason. Why is the evil corporation using the prawns as live targets? Because it's a sign of cruel violence, meant to get the blood running. Why did David Brent's wife suddenly change her mind from being miserable and disgusted by him to being miserable and devoted to him? Because...because. No real reason.

Finally, the most controversial part of the film: the Nigerians. As a Nigerian, I absolutely allow that Nigerians can be an excellent example of opportunists and profiteers, especially ones who have little use for or knowledge about what they're profiting from. Ok. That's a thing. What I cannot allow, because it doesn't make a lick of sense, is the completely batshit voodoo nonsense. Any time these animalistic Nigerians, with an unsettling inability to keep their eyes focused, appear on screen, the whole film comes to a grinding halt. The ugliness cannot be ignored. Excuses have been made - oh, blah blah, the white corporate men are portrayed negatively as well, blah blah, nobody looks good in this movie, etc etc. To those I say: there are different ways of negatively portraying someone. One of them is to fall back on bizarre stereotypes and assume nobody will notice.

M

Sorority Row - mysteriously intriguing

First of all, whenever I see a promo for this Sorority Row movie, I get a Pussycat Dolls song stuck in my head.

Which is which??

I wish I could explain why I keep thinking about this movie. It looks like nothing worth spending money on - oh wow, another horror remake starring interchangeable sluts - and the trailer does one of my least favorite trailer tricks - the classic 'cutting off someone's expletive with a hilariously-timed edit! But something is keeping me intrigued here.

It could be that one of the stars is played by Tawny from Even Stevens. She has grown up quite gorgeous, unsurprisingly, and this is the first time I've seen her starring in something un-Disney. Unfortunately, the trailer (as well as some studio-released clips that simply cannot count as teasers, since they show at least one entire murder) makes it clear that Tawny won't last very long. A horrible shame, since I imagine she brings some much-needed bitterness to the proceedings.

It could be that the whole movie looks enjoyably over-the-top, and seems to highlight a lot of the ugly debauchery that goes along with the whole sorority scene. But that doesn't make any sense - I don't really care whether this movie "sheds a light" on all the pill addictions and bulimia that goes on in a sorority, and I know I wouldn't care about any of the characters or their various demons. I'm also not a huge fan of camp, and nothing says 'camp' like Carrie Fisher carrying a goddamn shotgun around town talking about "crazy bitches."

So who knows what I find so captivating about this movie? Why do I feel so compelled to know who the killer is? Why do I want to watch it? The world may never know, but at least we can be comforted in the fact that I staunchly refuse to spend any money on this movie. I will wait for Netflix Instant like any other self-respecting person.

M

greetings and salutations

welcome, one and all, to the launch of this glorious blog.