Neither a sequel to Troll, nor about trolls at all, Troll 2 is a fucking legend. There is literally no other movie quite like it. If you love incoherent plots, acting that runs the gamut from 'plank of wood' to 'actual crazy person from an actual mental institution,' and costumes made by three year olds, Troll 2 is a goddamn perfect storm.
Synopsis: Join young Joshua on his unwilling trip to Nilbog where, aided by the loquacious ghost of his grandfather, he struggles to save his family from being eaten by the evil and coincidentally vegetarian goblins. And what a struggle it is, as he is armed only with his knowledge, some urine, mad freckles, a double decker baloney sandwich, the forces of good, and serious concentration skills.
Starring: They aren't actors. None of them. They were just Utah residents (except for one, who really was on leave from his mental institution).
Money shot: I mean, all of it, but especially this.
If you want to pee your pants with fear...The Thing
To date, the only movie that has ever made me scream - not cry out because I was effectively startled (I'm looking at you, Alien. Also, Law-Abiding Citizen), but actually scream because I was so horrified at what was happening on screen.
Synopsis: A dozen men from various backgrounds are holed up in Antarctica, suffering from serious cabin fever, when their ranks are infiltrated by a creature that kills and perfectly imitates any living things (yes, plural! Multiple people, simultaneously!) it comes in contact with. The tension between the men was already running high, and it only gets worse when literally anyone could be a monster. Kurt Russell is terrific at being the guy you want to think you'd be in situations like this - efficiently badass, quick with a flamethrower, and a leader of men.
|Also, face-meltingly sexy.|
Starring: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley (pre-diabeetis), Keith David, and Kurt Russell's beautiful beard.
Money shot: Oh, so many. The dog monster scene, the chest cavity scene, the blood test scene, the head-on-legs scene...
If you want a scary romantic comedy...Shaun of the Dead
The first film from my collective boyfriends Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright was an instant classic. An homage to zombie films, a send-up of British under-reaction, and a testament to the bonds of male friendship, it's everything to most everybody.
Synopsis: Shaun is an under-performing layabout with a coddling mother, a cold step-father, a lout of a best friend, and a girlfriend who is way out of his league. Said girlfriend dumps him after he ballses up their anniversary, and he spends the rest of the movie proving his worth in order to win her back. He does so with the help of London's zombie apocalypse.
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, and Pete Serafinowicz.
Money shot: The "Don't Stop Me Now" scene.
If you want funny horror...An American Werewolf in London
My favourite John Landis film, except maybe Coming to America. No, it's Coming to America. But this is an extremely close second.
Synopsis: A handsome pair of Americans make the fatal mistake of taking a walk through rural England on the night of a full moon. After meeting with some extremely unhelpful locals, they are attacked by a werewolf. David survives to suffer horrifying nightmares and fall in love with his nurse, while Jack returns as a decomposing corpse to warn his friend of his were-curse.
Starring: David Naughton, Griffin Dunne, and Jenny Agutter.
Money shot: The best werewolf transformation scene of all time. Excruciating and weirdly beautiful.
If you want an acid trip without the acid...Hausu (House)
I don't want to rehash last week's expose on this fucking insane movie, so you can click here if you missed it/want to hear it again.
Starring: One fucking insane cat painting, and some teenage girls.
|That is blood spewing out of a painting, by the way.|
If you want an unintentionally hilarious psycho thriller...The Bad Seed
I was first exposed to this film in my 9th grade health class. It was pretty clear that Mr. Erb had run out of material, but used the 'nature vs nurture' argument posited in the movie as his tenuous link to anything we had been discussing in class. And I'm glad he did.
Synopsis: Rhoda is just your everyday, normal, perfect little girl. She wears pigtails, plays piano, and loves her parents. She also loves winning medals, and if you get in her way, you will wind up horribly, horribly dead. Rhoda's really annoying and allegedly beautiful mother takes roughly a hundred years to realize that maybe Rhoda is behind the death of her medal-winning classmate, as well as some other people...
Starring: Nancy Kelly, and Patty McCormack as the creepiest little angel you ever did see.
|Cold-blooded killers always have perfect hair.|
If you just had a lobotomy...Saw (any of them)
I swear, if you like any of these movies, we aren't speaking.