Thanksgiving couldn't be a more timely opening day for Burlesque. I can't think of anything I'll want to give thanks for more than a completely redundant and instantly dated musical heir to the Showgirls throne.
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure (and seriously, y'all need to get on that - it is MAGIC), Showgirls is the classic story of Nomi Malone, a crazy-eyed small town girl who moves to Las Vegas to become a dancer. As you'd expect, she meets with various trials and tribulations, including: jealous rivals, having "nice tits," everyone wanting to sleep with her, throwing someone down a flight of steps, being the best dancer of all time (citation needed), spray-on jeans, brown rice and vegetables, and a Mysterious Secret From Her Past (That Could Only Be Hooking). Burlesque, meanwhile, seems to be the classic story of Ali, a crazy-haired small town girl who moves to Los Angeles to become a dancer. This movie clearly has more respectable aspirations than Showgirls - its eyes are on that Golden Globe prize, and it has made the following adjustments to pull it out of the gutter and into the mainstream.
The Star.
Showgirls - Elizabeth Berkeley
Burlesque - Christina Aguilera
Berkeley got her start on the dubious hit Saved by the Bell as Jessie Spano, the class president (after Zack gave up the title) and valedictorian (after Screech gave up the title). Starring in Showgirls was an obvious attempt to shed her good girl teen image, which she did with reckless abandon. The last thing I remember seeing her in since Showgirls was The First Wives Club, as the underage bimbo Goldie Hawn's husband leaves her for.
Aguilera became famous as the more talented and somehow more sexualized counterpart to Britney Spears. She has never acted before, but technically neither had Berkeley. Taking the more relatable route, Burlesque has Aguilera playing a serious innocent who has probably never had sex, rather than Berkeley's barely reformed prostitute.
The Mentor/LGBT Icon.
SG - Gina Gershon
B - Cher
It's at this point that the goal to prettify Showgirls becomes extremely obvious. Gina Gershon's crude, off-kilter appeal only works for weird cult "classics" with a heaping spoonful of implied girl-on-girl action. Which is to say, it's severely limited. Cher, on the other hand, is a woman beloved by all, especially the highly lucrative gay male demographic. Hers has become a decidedly milquetoast eccentricity. The masses will squawk with glee at lines like "instead of a canvas, you're painting your face" and other such self-referential warbles. Never mind that her plastic surgeries make her sound like she just got injected with 2500cc's worth of Novocaine. The woman is solid gold(en globe).
The Rival.
SG - Gina Gershon
B - Kristen Bell
Ms. Gershon acted as mentor AND rival (AND love interest question mark), which is far too complex a relationship for a Golden Globe-nominated musical, so for Burlesque the characters have been split in twain. I won't repeat anything about Gina, but I will point out that I've been calling poor Kristen Bell Kristen Stewart for the past entirety of their careers, which doesn't bode well. I also don't understand Kristen StewBell as a burlesque dancer at all. She's very attractive (to some people) and everything, but she has precisely zero curves. Which is fine, but it doesn't work for burlesque. You have to have attributes that rhyme with burlesque, like "Rubenesque" and "statuesque." "Cute" doesn't cut it.
The Boy Toy.
SG - Kyle Maclachlan
B - Cam Gigandet
The Star.
Showgirls - Elizabeth Berkeley
Burlesque - Christina Aguilera
Berkeley got her start on the dubious hit Saved by the Bell as Jessie Spano, the class president (after Zack gave up the title) and valedictorian (after Screech gave up the title). Starring in Showgirls was an obvious attempt to shed her good girl teen image, which she did with reckless abandon. The last thing I remember seeing her in since Showgirls was The First Wives Club, as the underage bimbo Goldie Hawn's husband leaves her for.
Aguilera became famous as the more talented and somehow more sexualized counterpart to Britney Spears. She has never acted before, but technically neither had Berkeley. Taking the more relatable route, Burlesque has Aguilera playing a serious innocent who has probably never had sex, rather than Berkeley's barely reformed prostitute.
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| It's game time, and Nomi came to play. |
The Mentor/LGBT Icon.
SG - Gina Gershon
B - Cher
It's at this point that the goal to prettify Showgirls becomes extremely obvious. Gina Gershon's crude, off-kilter appeal only works for weird cult "classics" with a heaping spoonful of implied girl-on-girl action. Which is to say, it's severely limited. Cher, on the other hand, is a woman beloved by all, especially the highly lucrative gay male demographic. Hers has become a decidedly milquetoast eccentricity. The masses will squawk with glee at lines like "instead of a canvas, you're painting your face" and other such self-referential warbles. Never mind that her plastic surgeries make her sound like she just got injected with 2500cc's worth of Novocaine. The woman is solid gold(en globe).
 |
| Still, she seems puzzled by her involvement. Puzzled or petrified. |
The Rival.
SG - Gina Gershon
B - Kristen Bell
Ms. Gershon acted as mentor AND rival (AND love interest question mark), which is far too complex a relationship for a Golden Globe-nominated musical, so for Burlesque the characters have been split in twain. I won't repeat anything about Gina, but I will point out that I've been calling poor Kristen Bell Kristen Stewart for the past entirety of their careers, which doesn't bode well. I also don't understand Kristen StewBell as a burlesque dancer at all. She's very attractive (to some people) and everything, but she has precisely zero curves. Which is fine, but it doesn't work for burlesque. You have to have attributes that rhyme with burlesque, like "Rubenesque" and "statuesque." "Cute" doesn't cut it.
The Boy Toy.
SG - Kyle Maclachlan
B - Cam Gigandet
In casting the guy who would seduce Nomi away from her already shaky morals, SG played it pretty risky and cast a creepy plank of wood named Kyle Maclachlan. You may remember him as the creepy plank of wood from Sex and the City, or as the creepy plank of petrified wood from The Flintstones movie (or maybe not. I don't know your life). Burlesque decided to tap into the teenage girl market rather than the lumberphile market, and picked Cam Gigandet, melter of teen panties and scourge of spell checkers everywhere.
The Sassy Diva.
SG - Nobody?!?
B - Stanley Tucci AND Alan Cumming
Stanley Tucci is breaking my heart. I'm praying that his desire to play fruit to the celebrated fly (last seen in The Devil Wears Prada with Meryl Streep) will end here when he realizes his terrific talent is being wasted on smirking through lines like "Alice, huh? Well, welcome to Wonderland." Alan Cumming is basically doing what he's always doing, which has no effect on my heart whatsoever.
We'll see how the movie fares at the box office, though I suspect it won't be the mid-range blockbuster it so definitely wants to be. I also suspect that, even with this Chicago-like sheen and high street star power, it won't be able to transcend its sleazy roots.
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| I don't get the appeal of the bowler hat, but what do I know. |
The Sassy Diva.
SG - Nobody?!?
B - Stanley Tucci AND Alan Cumming
Stanley Tucci is breaking my heart. I'm praying that his desire to play fruit to the celebrated fly (last seen in The Devil Wears Prada with Meryl Streep) will end here when he realizes his terrific talent is being wasted on smirking through lines like "Alice, huh? Well, welcome to Wonderland." Alan Cumming is basically doing what he's always doing, which has no effect on my heart whatsoever.
We'll see how the movie fares at the box office, though I suspect it won't be the mid-range blockbuster it so definitely wants to be. I also suspect that, even with this Chicago-like sheen and high street star power, it won't be able to transcend its sleazy roots.
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