To commemorate Mr. J.D. Salinger, whose iconic novel Catcher in the Rye tormented annoyed inspired? 8th graders all over the country, I thought I'd compile a list of the top 5 actors least suitable to playing Holden "I Hate Phonies" Caulfield.
5) Shia LaBoeuf
Some nagging part of me is just convinced that, when they make this movie, Shia LaBoeuf will be at the top of the studio's list. I realize that I'm putting myself in an extremely small minority when I say this, but I actually like him quite a bit, and have done since his hilariously dour appearance on Freaks and Geeks. And he does seem like the sort of whiny asshole who would get himself kicked out of several prep schools. However, I don't think Shia believes in or could realistically convey ennui, and that's Holden's biggest problem.
4) Michael Cera
While I think that Michael Cera is exactly the right level of attractive to play Holden, who has always struck me as a sort of weedy guy, I fear he may just be too ironically detached. Even when embarrassing or sad things happen to this guy, he never seems actually hurt. He recognizes and appreciates the humor or absurdity in his situation, which Holden simply cannot do.
3) Hayley Joel Osmont
Are we all convinced that this kid isn't an actual robot? Has anyone ruled on that yet? Because I'm still pretty dubious. His face somehow looks both exactly the same as it did in The Sixth Sense AND quite a bit more unsettling and creepy. It's difficult to understand and even more difficult to explain. But I don't want Holden to creep me out; if anything, I want him to simultaneously irritate and sadden me.
2) Robert Pattinson
While Pattycakes has cemented his position as Most Dedicated Brooder with his recurring role in the Twilight saga, I'm unconvinced that he actually has any emotions to back this brooding up. As anyone who has seen his turn as Salvador Dali - or even his stupid twinkly vampire performance - can attest, "actually emoting" is not this boy's strong suit.Anytime he tries, he just looks either bug-eyed or extremely nauseated.
1) Zac Efron
This guy practically IS the list. Efron pretty much embodies everything that Holden finds terrible and ugly in this world. He appears to have been completely manufactured by the Disney channel in order to appeal to demented girls aged 10-15 (I really truly hope that is the upper boundary of his appeal, otherwise I sincerely feel that this world of ours is doomed). He has never known suffering, disappointment, or boredom - in fact, I can't imagine he's ever known anything but supreme self-satisfaction. And for that reason, I dub Zac Efron the least Holden Caulfield-y actor in Hollywood.
5) Shia LaBoeuf
Some nagging part of me is just convinced that, when they make this movie, Shia LaBoeuf will be at the top of the studio's list. I realize that I'm putting myself in an extremely small minority when I say this, but I actually like him quite a bit, and have done since his hilariously dour appearance on Freaks and Geeks. And he does seem like the sort of whiny asshole who would get himself kicked out of several prep schools. However, I don't think Shia believes in or could realistically convey ennui, and that's Holden's biggest problem.
4) Michael Cera
While I think that Michael Cera is exactly the right level of attractive to play Holden, who has always struck me as a sort of weedy guy, I fear he may just be too ironically detached. Even when embarrassing or sad things happen to this guy, he never seems actually hurt. He recognizes and appreciates the humor or absurdity in his situation, which Holden simply cannot do.
3) Hayley Joel Osmont
Are we all convinced that this kid isn't an actual robot? Has anyone ruled on that yet? Because I'm still pretty dubious. His face somehow looks both exactly the same as it did in The Sixth Sense AND quite a bit more unsettling and creepy. It's difficult to understand and even more difficult to explain. But I don't want Holden to creep me out; if anything, I want him to simultaneously irritate and sadden me.
2) Robert Pattinson
While Pattycakes has cemented his position as Most Dedicated Brooder with his recurring role in the Twilight saga, I'm unconvinced that he actually has any emotions to back this brooding up. As anyone who has seen his turn as Salvador Dali - or even his stupid twinkly vampire performance - can attest, "actually emoting" is not this boy's strong suit.Anytime he tries, he just looks either bug-eyed or extremely nauseated.
1) Zac Efron
This guy practically IS the list. Efron pretty much embodies everything that Holden finds terrible and ugly in this world. He appears to have been completely manufactured by the Disney channel in order to appeal to demented girls aged 10-15 (I really truly hope that is the upper boundary of his appeal, otherwise I sincerely feel that this world of ours is doomed). He has never known suffering, disappointment, or boredom - in fact, I can't imagine he's ever known anything but supreme self-satisfaction. And for that reason, I dub Zac Efron the least Holden Caulfield-y actor in Hollywood.
Special thanks to Ms. Reuteler for her invaluable contributions!
-M
