Unexpected anticipation

I don't tend to get genuinely excited about sequels. They rarely tend to be plot- or character-driven, but money-driven instead. For some reason, if almost any kind of movie makes a respectable profit, the wheels start turning to produce a (hopefully) money-making follow up. I mean, nobody thought that Bring it On had anything more to say, yet ten years later we are four straight-to-dvd sequels deep. 


The time lapse between an original and its sequel is often inversely proportional to how much the sequel really has to add, either to the original story or the world in general. Time between The Godfather and The Godfather: Part II - 2 years. Time between Basic Instinct and Basic Instinct 2 - 14 years. (This may be an unfair example, since Basic Instinct wasn't a terrific movie to begin with, but I think you get the point.) 


All of this is a roundabout way of saying that I was extremely not interested in the idea of a Wall Street 2. Wall Street came out in 1987, and had sort of become irrelevant to everyone except ambitious and unscrupulous i-bankers. 22 isn't the longest gap between sequels of all time - I think that title may belong to Return to Oz, which showed up 46 years after the original - but it's still a long fucking time. It's a long enough time to wonder whether anyone in the original is even still alive.


The difference with Wall Street 2, though, is that the big-time director and big-time star from the original are on board. Not that either Oliver Stone or Michael Douglas has had the most discerning taste of late - Alexander? You, Me, & Dupree? - but it's still a pretty rare event. Plus, the teaser trailer fucking rocks. It's so good. It's just an aggressive barrage of beautiful suits, over-saturated colors, & terrific actors all over a relentless beat; and by the time we get to Douglas, smoking a cigar and wriggling with self-satisfaction as he purrs, "You really should start calling me Gordon," my pants are thoroughly charmed off. 


So, unlikely champion that I am, I'm willing to go to the mat for this one. Maybe "I can't resist Michael Douglas smoking cigars in suspenders" isn't the noblest of reasons, but it's a reason, dammit. I'll even defend Shia LaBoeuf's casting. I realize, again, that I am one of his few fans, but even those of you who hate him can't deny that casting him as an ambitious stockbroker right before the stock market crash of 2008 is pretty much genius. With a set-up like that, the movie is practically begging you to hate him. And how can you turn down an offer like that?

This man broke the economy. 

-M

Valentine's Gay?

It's the Friday Before Valentine's Day! Which means, of course, that some enterprising director has chosen today as the day to unleash a cobbled together romcom on the world. Today's movie, from the enfeebling mind of Garry Marshall, has the staggeringly creative title of Valentine's Day, and stars Most of Hollywood.

 

Not even half the cast. I wasn't exaggerating.

Normally, I wouldn't find this movie at all interesting for anything other than some passing derision. However, the number of stars led me to wonder whether, in all these different examples of love and relationships, there could be a same-sex couple somewhere in there.

Turns out, I'm not alone in wondering. A number of bloggers have cracked this case already, and confirmed that indeed there IS a gay couple that the studio would rather keep secret, kind of, until people actually see it. The official reasoning is probably "we want the audience to be surprised!" but the real reason is more likely "we don't want to scare potential movie-goers away with the gays!" Whatever, movie. You have your reasons, and they are what they are. In any case, I decided to do a little detective work and see if, jusing the trailer and the available clips, I could determine who the offending couple is. And for my money, it's Eric Dane and Bradley Cooper.

Exhibit A: The Trailer.
At first glance, Cooper seems to be rather cosily paired with Julia Roberts on a plane, while they giggle together about an amorous flight attendant. But think about it: even with Cooper's sudden and inexplicable It Boy status, would anyone put him in a romantic relationship with Julia Roberts? It's Julia Roberts. For the most part, Julia Roberts goes with stars of equal wattage - Hugh Grant, Richard Gere, George Clooney. And any time she doesn't, the relationship ends sadly - My Best Friend's Wedding? Mona Lisa Smile? Charlotte's Web? Dumped, dumped, died. Garry Marshall wouldn't do that to his muse, he just wouldn't. And so, Bradley appears to be uncoupled.

Exhibit B: "Heart-Shaped Candy" clip
My suspicions appear to be correct! Cooper hates heart-shaped candy, because they remind him that he's "recently single." 'What happened?' nobody asks. He obligingly responds, "We just weren't on the same page. It's over....I've seen the enemy and the enemy is me." Whatever the hell that last part means is immaterial; on the other hand, note how he hasn't used a single pronoun to describe his ex. And when Julia Roberts recommends he pick up the very game stewardess, Cooper rather elegantly refuses...perhaps because he's not interested in picking up the ladies? You can call it a stretch, but every other couple in this movie talks about a 'he' or a 'she' that they want to be with, or are with, or can't be with.

Exhibit C: "Look What You Did To My Car" clip
Here we see Eric Dane driving along looking aggrieved/distracted/hungry when he rear-ends the undelightful George Lopez. When Lopez recognizes him, he randomly recites Dane's football record - it appears that Dane is a football star, but "they" think he should "hang up the towel." Since Dane has a jaw that could cut glass and a set of abs you could wash clothes on, I'm assuming he's not being forced into retirement for old age. But if he is, perhaps he'll take this opportunity to come out of the closet? Perhaps, in fact, this is what Cooper meant by saying "we weren't on the same page" - that Dane didn't want to sacrifice his career by being open about his gay partner?? Plus, Lopez's set-up about love not being love unless you openly acknowledge it is just SCREAMING for a press conference followed by a race to the airport.....!

We'll see if I'm right or not. But if I am, that still leaves me wondering: should we celebrate that a same-sex couple gets the same lazy, cliched treatment as heterosexual couples? I suppose that means that, as far as this movie is concerned, all couples are viewed equally; but the celebration of something as boring as a Race To The Airport leaves a bad taste in my mouth.