My completely-out-of-left-field hatred of SATC

It will come as a shock to precisely no one that I'm not a fan of Sex and the City - not of the show, nor of the movies, nor of the actors themselves. I've seen about a dozen episodes all the way through, which one could say makes me an unfair judge. However, I would argue (of course) that SATC has seeped its way so thoroughly into the pop culture consciousness that anyone who watches tv on a semi-regular basis is familiar with its basic premise, as well as its characters. For better or worse, Carrie - and to a slightly lesser extent, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte - are roughly as familiar as President Bartlet or Tony Soprano. My point is, I have enough evidence to judge, and judge I will. 


I was upset enough that they bothered making the first SATC movie. After all, Kim Cattrall made it very publicly known that she a) didn't think there was any story left to tell, and b) was only doing it for the money. Call me a purist (it's only fair), but I would people to at least pretend there's a reason other than making $$ to make a movie, especially a sequel (what else do you call a movie continuation of a tv series?). That they made ANOTHER sequel is just revoltingly cynical. And this movie seems to have even less to say. 


For one thing, judging by the episode I saw when the two gay characters met, they HATED each other. So why are they getting married? And why is roughly 40% of the trailer devoted to this sham marriage? At least one of my questions gets answered in this "leaked" clip from the movie: 

In case you love your eyes and ears, and thus did not watch the above video, let me just pull some of my favourite quotes for you: 

"HER best gay friend is marrying MY best gay friend!!"

OMG, is this like when puppies get married?!? HOW ADORBZ! Gays thinking they're people!

"How did this even happen? I thought they hated each other."

"It's like musical chairs. The music stopped, and they were the last two left standing."

This is a fusion between a meta-commentary on how absurdly convenient the script is, and some sort of grotesquely bad AIDS joke. Yeesh.

"Just when you thought everyone you knew was too old to get married, here come the gays!"

"Teeheeheehee!"

Just so we're clear, same-sex marriage is still illegal in New York. So all this joking around is just extra catty.

So, there's that whole completely incoherent and unnecessary barrel of laughs, as well as the all-expenses-paid trip to romantic, beautiful, whimsical...Abu Dhabi. "I can hear the decadence calling!" trills Samantha, in one of her usual fits of MAKING NO SENSE. There's no way the movie and I are thinking of the same Abu Dhabi, which is a rather large and finance-driven city, with a lot of hustle and bustle and a lot more intolerance for the sheer gaudiness the SATC women seem to live for. The movie's version of Abu Dhabi is straight from the pages of 1890s Orientalism 101, with sand, sequins, and sheer silks draped over every possible surface. For some reason, Carrie is wearing a giant hoop skirt while ankle-deep in this sand, refusing to adhere to any common sense, let alone cultural sensitivity. We are then treated to a cavalcade of really boring observations, spliced in with Dramatically Significant facial expressions - "Being a mother is hard!" *big eyes* - "Something happened..." *big eyes* "You're playing with fire." *big...eyes...* The whole thing just looks so frightfully...off. This movie has nothing new to say, and no idea how to say it besides flinging outlandish couture in our faces. It just isn't fun to spend $10 to watch rich people wear expensive clothes and drink champagne while laughing at each other's non-jokes. There has to be an actual story there, too.

As an anti-fan, I have to say: the fans deserve better than this. 

P.S. On a personal note, can the world stop pretending that anything Carrie "Horseface Killah" Bradshaw says is funny? Besides her extremely awesome performance in Hocus Pocus (yes yes, feel free to judge), Sarah Jessica Parker has done absolutely nothing for me, and her desperate mugging through lines like "Just like Aladdin and Jasmine...but with cocktails!" makes me want to vomit with exasperation. 

I will cut a fool if I see these things in an action movie again

I made the choice to see The Losers last weekend. It was exactly as advertised - a rather stupid but still somewhat fun paint-by-numbers action movie. That's fine in and of itself, but I've seen so many paint-by-numbers action movies in the past year or so that I can predict lines of dialogue now, as well as plot points. This is a problem - not my problem, mind you, but the movies'. And I've become especially tired of the following things:


6) A villain who is a million billion times more interesting than the hero
Honestly, I can't think of more than 3 movies in which this isn't the case. Pre-Casino Royale, James Bond was just a sexy assassin with a nice suit and more STDs than personality traits, fighting against cartoonishly colourful baddies. Superman is a stunningly boring guy, especially when facing a delightful Gene Hackman. And, let's face it - in every single movie, Batman has just been an emotionally stunted asshole, outshone by Danny DeVito,Tommy Lee Jones (seriously, Ice? Seriously, you let Tommy Lee Jones out-camp you?), The Governator, and Heath Ledger. That's embarrassing. 


It's also really annoying. If there's no reason to root for the good guy other than his bland goodness, then there's no real reason to watch the movie in the first place. And if I like the bad guy more, there's no catharsis for me when he gets his inevitable comeuppance.



5) Skinny chicks with giant weapons
Obviously, I have a lot of problems with the way female characters get treated in action movies. In order to be a cool action lady, you have to know a lot about "guy" things, like cars or weapons; you have to sleep with the main dude, regardless of actual chemistry; and you have to prove your mettle by punching/shooting at least one fellow. 

Cool action lady-ness is timeless.

No no no no no no no. You weigh 105 pounds, your weapons weigh probably 50 pounds more than that. You could not possibly lift, let alone use, those bad boys. I'm especially upset about Zoe Saldaña using a goddamn grenade launcher, like the the kickback alone wouldn't propel her 300 yards backwards. Hire bigger ladies, or give them wee little pistols for their delicate little arms to hold up.



4) an ESL dude who's way spiritual, yo
It was hard to choose which of the "colourful collection of characters" is the most annoying. After all, there's the wise-cracking black guy, the pretty boy, and (for some reason) the paedophile played by Steve Buscemi. But for whatever reason, I find the ESL dude the most insulting. This dude will often be referred to as "the quiet one" or "the spiritual brother." He's quiet because a) he has a limited grasp of the language that the rest of his ragtag crew speaks, and b) it makes him more stoic. He's probably awesome at shooting guns or crossbows. He will also ALWAYS be the first person to say a prayer when something sad happens, and - if the movie is set on Earth - he'll probably have a cross hanging from his neck. If not, he'll probably pray in Elvish or some other made-up-but-still-totally-righteous-and-spiritual language.There's even one of these guys in 21 Jump Street, for crying out loud. And he does tai chi in a white suit when something sad happens to him. 


I guess what I resent about this caricature is that it always plays into this "noble savage" prototype that I really, really hate. Though I suppose it could be worse...

Yup. animalistic Africans are pretty much worse.

3) A tenuous grasp of international relations
For some reason, the post-modern-esque action movie feels the need to throw in some pithy one-liner about America and how other countries view us. If spoken by the foreigners, they tend to be something pseudo-controversial about "American arrogance" or something; if spoken by Americans, they tend to be something balls-out stupid like "North Korea? We've got no diplomatic relations with that country!" (not kidding. Not even a little bit. That was a line in a movie I paid money to watch). This usually shows up in Roland Emmerich movies, like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012. My favourite was at the end of The Day After Tomorrow, when his news program informed us that Americans were crossing the Mexican border in droves. I think that example really crystallizes the fact that these movies know they want to say something, but don't know how to say it in a clever, interesting, or even worthwhile way.



2) Slowwwww mooooo thenfastmothen slowwwww moooo
Slow motion can be an irritating little trick on its own. I disagree strongly with the idea that it automatically makes things look awesome and badass, and unless it's used for a good reason - for instance, Robert DeNiro seeing Sharon Stone for the first time - it mostly just makes me think the movie needed some padding to reach feature length. It's generally harmless, though...unless coupled with completely unnecessary fast motion. This seems to be an 'adapted from comic books' thing - 300, Watchmen, and The Losers are all culprits (though Donnie Darko is as well?). It was especially jarring during the obligatory yet inexplicable sex scene in The Losers, during which Ms. Saldaña tossed her hair about so quickly, then so slowly, that I worried she was a victim of severe whiplash. 


1) Walking away from an explosion

This one makes me want to vomit every time I see it, and I don't know why. It might be because I have NO IDEA WHY IT KEEPS HAPPENING. Oh wow, this guy is so cool he...walks away from explosions? What sense does that make? Stop doing that! It's not badass if it doesn't make any sense whatsoever! It makes even less sense than the "hero who can outrun literally anything, including 'cold' and 'sunlight'" trope - maybe because it doesn't fly in the face of the laws of physics so much as the laws of THINGS NEED TO HAVE A REASON TO HAPPEN, DAMMIT.