Some of the worst couples in cinematic history

The upcoming release of Knight and Day, a strange action-comedy hybrid starring CRUISE and DIAZ, got me to thinking. I don't really see CRUISE and DIAZ as a reasonable couple - she's a little too goofy (in a good way), and he's a little too intense (in a decidedly bad way. I mean, right? We can agree on that, right?). I get that their chemistry isn't necessarily the point of the movie, like it was with Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but still. Unreasonable or unconvincing couples have the ability to completely sink a movie, even if their relationship isn't supposed to be the main focus. Off the top of my head, here are five truly terrible couples whose lack of chemistry brought the film to a screeching halt*:


-Audrey Hepburn & That Guy, Breakfast at Tiffany's
This isn't an entirely controversial observation, but these Holly Golightly and whatshisnuts together make even less sense than Audrey Hepburn and the Brazilian fiancé. This could be because Hepburn was so horribly uncomfortable in the role of a flaky and extroverted floozy (somehow I feel as though Marilyn, or even Bettie Grable, would have been a better pick), or because Mr Nonentity is so dull that he barely registers on film.


-Beyonce & Mike Myers, Goldmember
I recognize that Austin Powers and Foxy Cleopatra aren't supposed to represent the Love of the Ages or anything, but goddamn. Myers and Elizabeth Hurley at least seemed like they were having fun together. In Goldmember, Myers seems vaguely baffled at Beyonce's presence - which, let's face it, makes perfect sense. Her presence is entirely baffling, not to mention wooden and humorless.

Not pictured: comedy.

-J.Lo & R.Fiennes, Maid in Manhattan
This is Jennifer Lopez at the height of her J.Lo phase, when she didn't turn in performances so much as deliver a glossy, heartless product for the audience to consume. J.Lo couldn't be bothered to engage with her romantic leads – all she wanted was for her plasticine face to be adored by interchangeable hunks. Why she picked Ralph Fiennes, a man who doesn't really go for interchangeability or fluff in his movies, is absolutely beyond me. To be fair, he makes as little effort as possible himself, mumbling his way through pathetic garbage like “I don't think you're leaving. I think you're running” and darting furtively off-screen.


-Tom Hanks & Antonio Banderas, Philadelphia
Philadelphia is a shameless (but mostly effective!) piece of melodrama. In one corner, we have the one-dimensionally crass and villainous homophobes; in the other, the instantly likable martyr Tom Hanks. The only thing that keeps the decks from being stacked entirely in Hanks' favour is his anemic, lackluster romance with Antonio Banderas. The two of them look like complete strangers at best, and wholly uncomfortable with each other at worst. At no point do we think that Banderas will grieve his HIV-positive partner, or that Hanks is in any way fighting for their relationship. 

A torrid love scene from Philadelphia.

-Ricky Gervais & Jennifer Garner, The Invention of Lying
Another for the “This Doesn't Even Make Objective Sense” file. People tell me that Jennifer Garner is pretty, which is fine, I suppose. Unfortunately, when her only character trait is her attractiveness, which is entirely subjective, I begin to have a problem. I also have a problem with the fact that Ricky Gervais cannot help but play someone who knows better than to pursue a vapid and completely brainless girl like Garner's character, which adds to the disbelief factor. For at least half the movie, I was waiting for him to discover his true love, who wasn't a shallow “beauty.” By the end of the movie, I was sighing audibly and scolding the screen for subjecting me to such a horrid attempt at romance.


Dishonorable Mention: Britney Spears & That Guy, Crossroads
I'm not even discussing it.


*For me, at least. Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments.

The problem with Katherine Heigl

I can count the people I know who like Katherine Heigl on one finger. I'm sure there are people who do like her - after all, she was a star on a popular medical soap opera, and her movies get seen, I guess. And in the interest of full disclosure, I used to be a fan of hers, a condition brought about by my fervent pre-adolescent crush on her in the Disney movie Wish Upon a Star. 

Middle school is for settling! (omg, that eyeshadow)

Still, it's pretty en vogue (my mind is stuck in the 90s right now; forgive me) to be hating on Ms. Heigl right now. About 415,000 results turn up if you google "I hate Katherine Heigl," which is just under half the results you get for "I hate Jay Leno." So how did this happen? How did she go from America's Next Sweetheart to America's Favourite Whipping Girl?

Well, most of the reasons you find have to do with her personality, which everyone agrees is generally "bitchy." Her sharp tongue was "feisty" and "opinionated" when she was defending her friend and co-worker from homophobic slurs, but has lately become an unfortunately self-destructive weapon - any time she opens her mouth, people hate her more. Her dwindling fans are quick to say that this is just typical anti-feminism at work, and that nobody likes a woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind, and blah blah blah. Which is fine as an argument until you take into consideration famous divas like Katharine Hepburn and Bette Davis, who are fondly remembered as being strong-willed to the point of assholiness. So there must be something else going on here. 

Perhaps it's that Heigl just does not deserve to be mentioned alongside Hepburn and Davis. Quite frankly, the girl is not talented. And don't go waving the whole SHE HAS AN EMMY argument in my face. Everybody in Hollywood has a goddamn Emmy. Jon Cryer has an Emmy from Two and a Half Men. 

America, You've Got Standards.

So I think that's part of the problem - her diva tendencies aren't backed up by a considerable enough talent to make them tolerable. But that's not it for me. I've got a deeper problem with her than that, and it is this: 

When she complained about Knocked Up being "a little sexist," and wondered publicly why her character was such a "killjoy," I was pleased. I had felt the same suspicions, after all, and it felt good to see an actress stand up for herself and for lady characters against the Judd Apatow Hit Machine. I looked forward to this woman using her Hollywoodian power to get some well-written women on-screen. But, as is typical of actors who show a lot of promise, Heigl has since become perversely determined to disappoint me. Her movies since Knocked Up - 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, and Killers - could hardly be construed as feminist paeans. They all turn on the same tired cliche about desperately man-hungry women and the lengths they'll go to lower their standards and get laid. I mean, shit, at least Knocked Up showed any sort of consideration for its female characters and their points of view. They may not have been as much fun as their male counterpoints, but they were real women with real personalities, problems, and interests. All of Heigl's characters since then have been cartoons. 

And that is really what bothers me about the woman - she doesn't have the courage of her convictions at all. She'll run her mouth and make a big show of having an unpopular opinion, but in the end, she'll follow the money like anyone else. Also, her movies are cinematic turds. So there's that. 

EDIT: Having just watched the first half hour of The Ugly Truth, I can safely say that I will never ever ever regain my faith in Katherine Heigl, romantic comedies, or humanity in general. It is the most revolting, hateful, misanthropic piece of mainstream cinema I have ever seen. And here's a hint for you working ladies: when your co-worker/employee/employer makes any reference to putting his/her mouth on your breasts, it's not cute or flattering. It's you filing a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Girl, you are holding a Chucky doll. That's a mess.