-Audrey Hepburn & That Guy, Breakfast at Tiffany's
This isn't an entirely controversial observation, but these Holly Golightly and whatshisnuts together make even less sense than Audrey Hepburn and the Brazilian fiancé. This could be because Hepburn was so horribly uncomfortable in the role of a flaky and extroverted floozy (somehow I feel as though Marilyn, or even Bettie Grable, would have been a better pick), or because Mr Nonentity is so dull that he barely registers on film.
-Beyonce & Mike Myers, Goldmember
I recognize that Austin Powers and Foxy Cleopatra aren't supposed to represent the Love of the Ages or anything, but goddamn. Myers and Elizabeth Hurley at least seemed like they were having fun together. In Goldmember, Myers seems vaguely baffled at Beyonce's presence - which, let's face it, makes perfect sense. Her presence is entirely baffling, not to mention wooden and humorless.
Not pictured: comedy.
-J.Lo & R.Fiennes, Maid in Manhattan
This is Jennifer Lopez at the height of her J.Lo phase, when she didn't turn in performances so much as deliver a glossy, heartless product for the audience to consume. J.Lo couldn't be bothered to engage with her romantic leads – all she wanted was for her plasticine face to be adored by interchangeable hunks. Why she picked Ralph Fiennes, a man who doesn't really go for interchangeability or fluff in his movies, is absolutely beyond me. To be fair, he makes as little effort as possible himself, mumbling his way through pathetic garbage like “I don't think you're leaving. I think you're running” and darting furtively off-screen.
-Tom Hanks & Antonio Banderas, Philadelphia
Philadelphia is a shameless (but mostly effective!) piece of melodrama. In one corner, we have the one-dimensionally crass and villainous homophobes; in the other, the instantly likable martyr Tom Hanks. The only thing that keeps the decks from being stacked entirely in Hanks' favour is his anemic, lackluster romance with Antonio Banderas. The two of them look like complete strangers at best, and wholly uncomfortable with each other at worst. At no point do we think that Banderas will grieve his HIV-positive partner, or that Hanks is in any way fighting for their relationship.
A torrid love scene from Philadelphia.
-Ricky Gervais & Jennifer Garner, The Invention of Lying
Another for the “This Doesn't Even Make Objective Sense” file. People tell me that Jennifer Garner is pretty, which is fine, I suppose. Unfortunately, when her only character trait is her attractiveness, which is entirely subjective, I begin to have a problem. I also have a problem with the fact that Ricky Gervais cannot help but play someone who knows better than to pursue a vapid and completely brainless girl like Garner's character, which adds to the disbelief factor. For at least half the movie, I was waiting for him to discover his true love, who wasn't a shallow “beauty.” By the end of the movie, I was sighing audibly and scolding the screen for subjecting me to such a horrid attempt at romance.
Dishonorable Mention: Britney Spears & That Guy, Crossroads
I'm not even discussing it.
*For me, at least. Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments.