But! Without further ado, here's how it performed according to my rubric.
1) At least 20 deaths, including that of Eli Roth - Check, check. In my notes, I have the following tally : "Deaths: IIIIII like 2 million." Would that the picture weren't so out of focus pretty much every time, but we can't have everything. Also, Eli's head gets chopped the fuck off by a boat (???). 1
2) 2 sexy times cut short by piranhas - shockingly, not even once. 0
3) 1 projectile vomit at the camera - check! Thank you, Jessica "Survivor Girl" Szohr. 1
|Also, thank you for being you.|
4) 10 naked boobies (wet t-shirts don't count) - Far and away, check. One girl even lifts her wet t-shirt to reveal the goods, which I think should count as extra. 1
5) Ving Rhames's survival - Not even at all. Unfortunately, since he doesn't have a record deal (black people only survive these movies if they have one - see Brandy, Ice Cube, Busta Rhymes, and LL Cool J), he had to sacrifice himself for the douchebags who wouldn't get out of the water. 0
6) A refusal to shut down the beach, because "this is our biggest week!" - Actually, the exact lines were "It'd be easier to drain this lake than to close it. This is a big financial week for this town." 1
7) Someone's dick getting chomped - To. The. Max. Extra point for it getting burped at the screen, and for it belonging to Jerry "FUCKING COCAINE" O'Connell. 2
8) A Back to the Future reference - None, although there was a completely unnecessary but absolutely welcome Jaws reference. 0
9) Christopher Lloyd using completely absurd exclamations (I'm hoping for "odds bodkins") - Unless we're counting "hold your horses," I'm afraid this one's a miss. 0
10) Someone's puppy getting eaten - Nunca! 0
In the end, Piranha 3D gets a 6/10, which is a passing grade in some places. Ehhh, I'll give it to them.
|This is happening.|