The 6 people you'll have in your movie theater

It's Memorial Day, which means that as far as I'm concerned, summer has started. (And according to Fast Five, summer began like a month ago, so I'm not really jumping the gun that much.) Summer means a lot of things to a lot of people, but for most of us it means going to the movies much more frequently. Maybe it's because the heat lowers our standards. Maybe we're more susceptible to movies whose trailers have tons of context-free action shots to a thrilling strings-and-drums soundtrack. Either way, you'll be spending a lot of time over the next few months crammed into movie theaters with strangers, and you need to be prepared. Here are the 6 people you will undoubtedly have in your movie theater:


The horrible parent
It doesn't matter what this movie is rated or why. It could be rated R for some strong sexuality or disturbing violent content; it could be PG-13 for sequences of intense peril; it could be rated G for super-cuddly robots. Regardless, there will be one horrible parent in the audience who brought their way-too-young-for-a-big-screen-movie-event baby along for the fun. 

Not even remotely ready for this.

Except, how could that possibly be fun for anyone? The baby has to spend the whole time having her tender little ears barraged with obscenely loud sounds, the parent has to tend to his shrieking and traumatized infant, and the rest of the audience has to suffer the weird mix of embarrassment and tension that comes with hating a baby for crying. I know it's hard to balance raising a child with having a life of one's own, but does your child really deserve the conflicted wrath of complete strangers? And should your child really be exposed to Shutter Island anyway?


The interactive viewer
This person will almost always be a woman, and will most definitely be sitting behind your left shoulder. She deems everything that occurs on-screen worthy of a loud comment or response. This can be fun, if you're watching something like Scream 4 and you're all there to equally not take the movie seriously. Unfortunately, it's usually really fucking annoying, especially if the woman is not particularly witty and therefore brings nothing to the table. Just as an example off the top of my head, I recently saw Kung Fu Panda 2, which stars Jack Black as the voice of an overweight panda who overcomes his fatness to become a chubby kung fu legend. I mention this panda's weight so frequently because 1) it comes up pretty often in the movie, and 2) if the movie didn't bring it up, the interactive viewer behind me was sure to. This panda's fatness, which would have been completely insignificant to me, became inescapable.

I was just trying to focus on the plot, lady.

The lone wolf
Believe me, I am not putting the knock on people who go to movies on their own. I've done it, and for some movies it's just the right thing to do. It can be nice to go to a movie and not feel any pressure to whisper something witty to your friend. The lone wolf, however, seems to be conflicted about whether he wants to be alone; he sits in a row all by himself, but whenever something funny happens he laughs loudly and looks around at any audience members he can pick out. As the film continues, he either quiets down in shame or grows even louder, desperate for some kind of human contact. 


The ironic bastards
I fully admit that I am often in this group of people - people who, for whatever reason, are willing to spend money to watch a movie they know in advance will be horrible. Like that time I saw Burlesque, or that time I saw Stealth. These people are the absolute worst - either they assume that everyone else in the theater thinks the movie is shitty too, or they think their loud "hilarity" will win the audience over. (This rarely works.) 


The douchebag historian
This person is almost always a dude, and you usually encounter him while stuck in the slow-moving throng of people trying to exit the theater. No matter what movie, this gentleman came prepared: War movie? He knows every kind of weapon that was and was not available during the film's time period. Drama based on a true story? He read every Wikipedia article about every biography related to that story, and can tell you exactly where the movie starts to take liberties. Romantic comedy? He read all the TMZ posts about the off-screen drama that has nothing to do with what's going on in the actual movie. 


The one who just doesn't belong
White guy at my screening of Good Hair, I'm looking at you.