West Side Story - remake?

Last week, I finally got to see West Side Story on the big screen. West Side Story happens to be tied with Guys and Dolls for the title of My Favourite Musical, so you can imagine my delight at this opportunity. And, just like every other time I've watched it, I was in tears by the time the lights came on. As I've gotten older, the tears-trigger has appeared later and later in the film - through college, I would start sobbing as soon as Bernardo gets it in the stomach; more recently, I would last at least until Maria runs down her apartment stairwell, screaming after Chino. This time around, I really thought I'd beaten the movie. I was cracking wise the entire time about Natalie Wood's brownface and Richard Beymer's simply insane cheesiness, and by the time Maria, Chino, and Tony all converge on the basketball court I thought I was home free. Yet somehow the final line - "Te adoro, Anton" - just felled me, and I dissolved into tears.


After my infantile sobbing subsided, my date and I got to thinking - what if they remade West Side Story? The idea doesn't seem completely outlandish - a remake of Footloose will soon grace our screens; gory creature feature The Thing (another of my favourites) is getting re-remade; and James Cameron has the ballsy cynicism to straight up re-release Titanic in 3D. So, you know, it could happen. And would that necessarily be a bad thing? My initial instinct was to cry sacrilege, but in thinking about it, a West Side Story remake might not be a bad idea at all. There are plenty of elements that could do with some improvements. 


It would be great, for instance, to hire actual Puerto Ricans to play Maria and her extremely dapper and handsome brother Bernardo. 

Ugh, smolder central.

Natalie Wood's accent and half-hearted brownface were downright offensive (and honestly, don't get me started on her dull-as-dishwater performance). And I love George Chakiris, I really, really do. I'm not alone in thinking he gives one of the best performances of the film. But...had he ever heard a Puerto Rican speak? I have sincere doubts.


The 1961 film is also strangely, distractingly clean. Gang members say things like "ever-lovin'" and "Krup you," and the lyrics to "America" feel consciously restrained. A remake wouldn't have to contend with the draconian Hays Code, which required clean-ups like "birth to earth" from "sperm to worm," and "you came with your mouth open" from "you came with your legs open." Using more vulgar dialogue, some of which could easily be found in the original stage script, would go a long way towards making the movie as realistic and relatable as a musical can be. 

Is this not what gang violence is?

These are largely cosmetic changes, but I have some substantive problems with the movie as well. We see the Jets trying to absorb the death of their gymnast leader Riff, and how they re-form as a group after it. We also see internal conflicts in their gang - their near-constant rebuffing of possibly genderqueer Anybody's; Iceman's rise from foxy lieutenant to foxy leader; and Baby John's reluctance to even be a gangster. We don't see any such complexity from the Sharks: After Bernardo dies, most of the gang doesn't appear again until the final scene, and then they don't say anything. We don't see Pepe or Indio take Bernardo's place as leader of the pack. The community that "America" displays completely disappears. I'd want a remake to beef up the Sharks' role here - if I know that A-rab's dad is a drug addict and Action's mother is a sex worker, I should know similar details about Pepe and Indio. And by that token, give the Jet women something more to do than be irritating and foolish sex objects. The Shark women have opinions about things, like immigration and how cute Tony is; Graziella and Velma just like speaking actual gibberish and dancing with their boyfriends. As it stands, I hate their guts, but I don't have to. 


I know it's in the movie geek rule book to hate even the idea of remakes, especially of something that's held up as a classic, like West Side Story. And I do hate cynical remakes, whose sole reason for existence is money. Still, if there's a better way to tell a story, then I'm all for it; and as much as I love West Side Story as is, a better version could be out there somewhere. (Some day. Some way.)