Valentine's Day: How to be a romantic comedy heroine

Ladies, are you single this Valentine's Day? It's probably entirely your fault. But don't worry - Hollywood has the answer! In no particular order, here's what you need to do to be a romantic comedy heroine and get your guy (because that's the only thing that you could possibly want). 


Have completely absurd standards
When choosing a beau, don't settle for things like "trust," "mutual respect," and "being actually interested in each other's personality." Instead, aim for the stars - big, soulful eyes; perfectly manicured stubble; and, hopefully, a huge lie on which your entire relationship will be based. Acceptable lies include: it was a bet, I was doing a story on you, I was getting paid, I take on a make-believe character in order to sleep with random women, I'm really the prince of Zamunda, I've been sabotaging your job by stealing your ideas, or I'm actually a man dressed as an old woman. You may get a public declaration of love out of it, so random strangers can clap when you kiss and make up!


Only take your job seriously if it's not taken seriously by anyone else
You can be a magazine editor, an advertising exec, a publisher of some sort, the owner of a flower shop, or something that is completely made up. In all of those cases, taking your job seriously is cute. If, however, you are an attorney, a "businesswoman," or a doctor, taking your job seriously is the exact reason you're still single, and the only obstacle to getting your man. Find some way to let your beau undermine you at your job, run out on an important meeting, or at least start wearing dewy makeup and flowy skirts to work. This signifies that you are letting love liberate you from the evil shackles of workplace success. 


Dress in a non-threatening way
My favorite example of this is Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping. They seemed absolutely determined to dress her as an 1840s London street urchin. Her sweaters were so oversized that she could literally hide a present in her sleeve. She could not be less sexual (read: troublesome) if she tried, though it kinda seems like she tried at least a little.

This is her most svelte outfit in the entire movie. Seriously.

As the romcom heroine, you are allowed precisely one glam-up moment, designed to reassure your beau that he's not falling for a total ogre. If you do this right, his mouth will fall slightly open, his eyes will go misty, and he'll momentarily lose the ability to form sentences (like so). If those things don't happen, you are doomed to be forever alone. 

Have exactly one hobby, interest, or definable personality trait

In Runaway Bride, one of Julia Roberts's personality traits is that she doesn't have any personality traits. We learn this from the fact that she orders her eggs the same way as her current boyfriend does. Her final breakthrough comes when she tastes every style of egg and decides on the one she likes. I'm not making any of this up. 

If you have a friend, she better make you look good by comparison
Having multiple lady friends is for lesbians, divorcées, and spinsters. Pick your one friend, and make sure there is one hilarious thing wrong with her. Maybe she's way too opinionated. Maybe she enjoys having and talking about sex. Maybe she has a Southern accent. Combine that with her less attractive face, and you have a recipe for success. When your beau sees the two of you together, he'll certainly realize that, while there are other fish in the sea, they are all completely unacceptable to him. 

Presented without comment.

Above all, be nice

Seriously, if you say literally anything that's negative, you don't deserve to be a romantic comedy heroine. 

Your argument is invalid: Superbowl commercials suck

Let me begin by saying that any time someone tells me "I'm watching the Superbowl, but only for the commercials!" I have to clamp down on my right arm to stop myself from slapping them across the room. Does anyone saying that realize how absurd it sounds? Here, let's do a simple replacement exercise. 

"I'm watching the State of the Union, but only for the commercials!"

"I'm watching The Godfather, but only for the commercials!"

"I'm watching a home video of my child's first steps, but only for the commercials!" 

What the hell is wrong with you, that you think commercials - the part of tv watching that everyone hates and, if they can, fast forward through - are the best part of a viewing experience? If you care about the actual Superbowl so little, do something else with those three and a half hours of your life besides waiting around for numerous 30-second clips of stuff you won't buy. 

It would be one thing if these commercials, which have fallen (lucky) victim to the "if it's expensive, then it must be good!" fallacy, were really as outstanding as the American people's devotion to them would have me think. But for the most part, they're just as tired, lazy, thoughtless, and expedient as commercials that air during daytime soaps (interestingly enough, most of the commercials that air during daytime soaps are for birth control and genital herpes treatment). The beer, soda, and snack commercials continue to trot out their Neanderthal-era gender roles about how sex-crazed men are and how emotion-crazed women are. Car commercials attempt to reach The Common Man with a gritty voiceover talking about "luxury" and "what we do" and Eminem, somehow. Michael Bay teases another glossy full-length commercial/feature film starring robots, which I won't link because fuck Michael Bay. 

There were, of course, a couple of standouts. The Volkswagen commercial, which had been making its rounds online over the past few days, is almost perfect. It doesn't make me want to buy a Volkswagen, but it does have the best child actor of all time, and a truly adorable moment at the end. And the Groupon commercial...

This also happened. Actually happened. As in, was written, greenlit, filmed (BY CHRISTOPHER GUEST??), and aired for three million with an M dollars. I suppose one could argue that there's nothing more American than disrespecting an entire nation and its suffering in order to make a cheap "joke," or a bit of money. But that argument is a miserable one to make. 


My point is, this whole cult around Superbowl commercials simply baffles me. The ratio of awesome to awful is the same during the Superbowl as it is during the rest of the year. These commercials were just more expensive to produce - and since you probably don't strategize your buying habits around Superbowl commercials, they were more expensive for no real reason.