The 6 people you'll have in your movie theater

It's Memorial Day, which means that as far as I'm concerned, summer has started. (And according to Fast Five, summer began like a month ago, so I'm not really jumping the gun that much.) Summer means a lot of things to a lot of people, but for most of us it means going to the movies much more frequently. Maybe it's because the heat lowers our standards. Maybe we're more susceptible to movies whose trailers have tons of context-free action shots to a thrilling strings-and-drums soundtrack. Either way, you'll be spending a lot of time over the next few months crammed into movie theaters with strangers, and you need to be prepared. Here are the 6 people you will undoubtedly have in your movie theater:


The horrible parent
It doesn't matter what this movie is rated or why. It could be rated R for some strong sexuality or disturbing violent content; it could be PG-13 for sequences of intense peril; it could be rated G for super-cuddly robots. Regardless, there will be one horrible parent in the audience who brought their way-too-young-for-a-big-screen-movie-event baby along for the fun. 

Not even remotely ready for this.

Except, how could that possibly be fun for anyone? The baby has to spend the whole time having her tender little ears barraged with obscenely loud sounds, the parent has to tend to his shrieking and traumatized infant, and the rest of the audience has to suffer the weird mix of embarrassment and tension that comes with hating a baby for crying. I know it's hard to balance raising a child with having a life of one's own, but does your child really deserve the conflicted wrath of complete strangers? And should your child really be exposed to Shutter Island anyway?


The interactive viewer
This person will almost always be a woman, and will most definitely be sitting behind your left shoulder. She deems everything that occurs on-screen worthy of a loud comment or response. This can be fun, if you're watching something like Scream 4 and you're all there to equally not take the movie seriously. Unfortunately, it's usually really fucking annoying, especially if the woman is not particularly witty and therefore brings nothing to the table. Just as an example off the top of my head, I recently saw Kung Fu Panda 2, which stars Jack Black as the voice of an overweight panda who overcomes his fatness to become a chubby kung fu legend. I mention this panda's weight so frequently because 1) it comes up pretty often in the movie, and 2) if the movie didn't bring it up, the interactive viewer behind me was sure to. This panda's fatness, which would have been completely insignificant to me, became inescapable.

I was just trying to focus on the plot, lady.

The lone wolf
Believe me, I am not putting the knock on people who go to movies on their own. I've done it, and for some movies it's just the right thing to do. It can be nice to go to a movie and not feel any pressure to whisper something witty to your friend. The lone wolf, however, seems to be conflicted about whether he wants to be alone; he sits in a row all by himself, but whenever something funny happens he laughs loudly and looks around at any audience members he can pick out. As the film continues, he either quiets down in shame or grows even louder, desperate for some kind of human contact. 


The ironic bastards
I fully admit that I am often in this group of people - people who, for whatever reason, are willing to spend money to watch a movie they know in advance will be horrible. Like that time I saw Burlesque, or that time I saw Stealth. These people are the absolute worst - either they assume that everyone else in the theater thinks the movie is shitty too, or they think their loud "hilarity" will win the audience over. (This rarely works.) 


The douchebag historian
This person is almost always a dude, and you usually encounter him while stuck in the slow-moving throng of people trying to exit the theater. No matter what movie, this gentleman came prepared: War movie? He knows every kind of weapon that was and was not available during the film's time period. Drama based on a true story? He read every Wikipedia article about every biography related to that story, and can tell you exactly where the movie starts to take liberties. Romantic comedy? He read all the TMZ posts about the off-screen drama that has nothing to do with what's going on in the actual movie. 


The one who just doesn't belong
White guy at my screening of Good Hair, I'm looking at you.

Boy Band Battle Royale: You Got Served

Out of all the boy bands on this list, B2K is the only group that starred in a movie together. (They're also the only group on this list that I've actually seen in concert. I have never experienced the mania of mob mentality like I did at that concert, let me tell you.) Other groups, like NYSNC and (briefly) NKOTB, spun off some actors who appear at various points of the wanna-be--actual actor scale, but never all in the same movie. So I think, instead of the usual Boy Band Battle Royale format, I'd like to talk a little about the cinematic event of You Got Served.

But first, let us pause and admire some art. 

Boy Band: B2K

Members: (from left) Dreux Pierre Frederic (Lil Fizz), Jarell Damonte Houston (J-Boog), Omari Ishmael Grandberry (Omarion), and De'Mario Monte Thorton (Raz-B)

Reign of Terror: 2001-2004

Movie: You Got Served - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkBe80SajCg

At its excessively hip heart, You Got Served is a "put on a show" deal, like those Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney numbers from the '40s. Our ragtag team of heroes have a need - in this case, money - and it just so happens that there is a show coming up! Winning this show would fill that need in a perfectly efficient way - in fact, it would be "just enough money to change our lives!" You Got Served also features the sort of dastardly villains that frequent these movies, some "white boys from Orange County" who claim that they never practice their intricately choreographed dance routines. Here's what it looks like, by the way, when you don't practice. (Don't be afraid to just jump in here without any context. The events will be described as they happen at least 300 times.) And finally, there is a completely lackluster romance between David (Omarion) and Elgin (Marques Houston)'s sister, Leah. 

He's dressed in bright colours so the audience doesn't fall asleep.

But, since You Got Served is after the (rarely coveted) young black male demographic, there are some distinctly "urban" shadings. For one thing, there is a half-hearted subplot involving a shady "merchandise" kingpin (the word "drugs" is NEVER used, so maybe our guys are secret deliverymen or something) named Emerald. When he feels like it, Emerald makes vague threats and is usually accompanied with loud cello music. Emerald is so inconsequential that Steve Harvey's equally inconsequential character resolves the plot off-screen. 


Secondly, there is a wayward youth who our most handsome hero (J-Boog, obviously) mentors in order to save him from a life of crime. In typical "urban movie" fashion, little dude falls victim to that very life of crime in an off-screen hail of gunfire. How do you think our heroes deal with the news? 
A) Punching a hole in the hospital wall
B) Rush-ordering a dozen spray-paint memorial shirts
C) Praying for little dude while bouncing to Joe Budden's "Pump It Up" 
D) All of the above. 


There is also a character named Beautifull, with two L's, and she is played by Meagan Good. 

Consider the young black male demographic courted.

In case I hadn't successfully made this point, this movie is completely ridiculous. Watching it, it becomes painfully clear that all the focus was put on the choreography, at the expense of the script and the actors (such that they are). Plot points are sort of lobbed at the screen, and just fall whenever and wherever they fall. Also, there is a weird reification of shoes going on here, whereby if someone touches your shoes, you're allowed to try to punch him in the face? The movie treats women as either expendable window-dressing or coveted prizes, as opposed to, you know, women. And yet...the dancing is pretty wicked. And the eye candy is tremendous.

Final Tally: 

• Sex appeal/charisma: 10000/10 (see top of post)
• Cheesiness: 10000/10 (see sex appeal/charisma)
• Dance moves: 10000/10 (see here)
• Music: 4/10
• Post-band success: The only member who has gone on to make a name for himself is Omarion, who is still singing, "acting," and sitting as a judge on America's Next Top Dance Crew. J-Boog and Lil Fizz have started a record label together, which is very nice, I suppose. Raz-B plans to release his autobiography, though god knows what the hell will be in it.

Teenager Vault: Save the Last Dance

Like I said in the Boy Band Battle Royale introduction, being a pre-teen and teen girl the late '90s/early '00s meant that I got to experience a deluge of music and movies that were made specifically for my age demographic. Teenage girls had pop culture in a bit of a stranglehold. Movies like 10 Things I Hate About You, She's All That, Whatever It Takes, Never Been Kissed, Save the Last Dance, Can't Hardly Wait, Bring it On, and Drive Me Crazy all came out within a three-year span, and all of them - with the possible exception of Can't Hardly Wait - were made with teenage girls in mind. Also, almost all of them were pretty awful on a number of levels. For instance, almost all of them follow excruciatingly predictable patterns that climax at the prom. Almost all of them actively demolish the idea that female friendships are positive, supportive, and nourishing - in these movies, either the female lead has no female friends, or her one female friend is untrustworthy, especially when it comes to boys. And almost all of them turn on the female lead  trading in her already harmless rough edges and interests to get the cute boy. There are two exceptions to these rules in the above list - Bring it On, a delightfully mean-spirited little sleeper hit that plays sexual harassment and gay panic for laughs; and Save the Last Dance, a surprisingly serious number that had a little more to say than the average teen movie. 


I got the opportunity to watch Save the Last Dance with a fresh pair of eyes over the weekend. Previously, I had assumed that everyone who spent 2001 as a teenage girl could quote huge chunks of the movie by heart. 

I mean, for instance.

But, as it turns out, our intrepid contributor V had never EVER seen Save the Last Dance in her life. Not one to ever turn down an opportunity to educate on the cinematic front, I jumped at the chance to re-watch a movie that my 13-year-old self deemed a classic. And I was pleasantly surprised by a lot of what I saw. 


I mean, yes, this movie is shamelessly self-indulgent and borderline melodramatic. It has completely unnecessary and sometimes incorrect break-downs of black/hip-hop culture in 2001 - apparently black people never said "cool" back then, but "slammin'"; also, apparently there's an emotional background to every possible dance step in a black man's arsenal. It wraps things up in the same facile way as every teen movie does. 

With a daaaaaance!

But it also has a surprisingly strong female lead in Sara, played by Julia "Dour" Stiles. We see that Sara had a strong relationship with her mother before her (the mother's) untimely death, which opens the movie. She had a close female friend in her old school, before she moved to Chicago; and quickly gains another close female friend at her new school. She meets the cutest boy in school (really the cutest boy in any school; that Sean Patrick Thomas is razor fine) and approaches the relationship with an endearing confidence that is pretty rare in movies like this. She tells Derek exactly how she feels about his no-good Tupac-wannabe friend, initiates their first romantic physical encounter, and takes a lot of pleasure in boasting about her alleged dance skills. And she never really changes her personality in order to win him over - the transition she makes during the movie is more about coming to terms with her mother's death and letting herself realize her own potential than it is about changing how she dresses or lowering her romantic standards. 


Sara's friend Chenille - CHENILLE - is an interesting female character as well. At first she seems to be the typical Old Hand Who Takes The Protagonist Under Her Wing, a la Mean Girls's Janis Ian, but she ends up having a surprising degree of nuance. She has an ugly baby son with Kenny, and their entire dynamic is the sort you would expect from a real-life teen couple with a son - clumsy, angry, horny, and confused. And she gets the best monologue of the whole movie, when she drops some truth bombs on Sara about the realities of a white woman coming into a black woman's world. (She later retracts the entire thing, which is unfortunate, but she was trippin' off Kenny.)


So no, Save the Last Dance is not perfect. But it tries very hard to be about something more than most teen movies, and that's worth a lot in my book.

I do frown on its promotion of women dancing alone in alleys, though.