Harry Potter characters in a non-magical world?

I've been thinking about this for a bit - what would our beloved Hogwarts students be like if Hogwarts were just a regular prep school in the real, non-magical world? What roles would they fill after graduation? My ideas are below, but I'm happy to hear your suggestions in the comments - especially for Ginny Weasley, who just doesn't do anything for my imagination.




Harry Potter - Harry is a pretty standard talented-but-immature jock with a chip on his shoulder and something to prove. I think he'd be most at home as a maverick fighter pilot, with a homoerotic rivalry that must be put aside to fight the greater evil (probably a shady east Asian conglomerate, or something). 


Hermione Granger - I know she's English, but I can only see her as a U.S. Secretary of State. The equivalent in England seems to be the Secretary of State for Justice in the Ministry of Justice, which sounds appropriately intellectual and badass. 


Ron Weasley - Desk jockey at the FBI. Ron's courage and loyalty outstrip his intellectual abilities, which makes him a perfect fit for the Bureau. 


Neville Longbottom - That awkward but randomly hot professor who can usually be found holed up in a lab (and that's how he likes it). 

A bazillion points to Gryffindor, hot stuff.

Draco Malfoy - I figure he would be the evil equivalent of Bruce Wayne - a rich, jobless dandy who hosts fundraisers for pet politicians and buys extravagant things. 


Luna Lovegood - Vintage clothing/furniture store owner, and an avid pastafarian blogger. 


Fred/George Weasley - Second City Toronto improv teachers. Though they'd probably fit in better with the 1973-1974 crowd than anyone in more recent memory. 

From the Archives: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - A review

I'll be honest with you - I really do not care about this last Harry Potter movie. I stopped caring about the movies a long time ago, and neither the books nor the movies carry the sort of cultural resonance that makes me sad that the saga is ending. Yes, my friends and I still have conversations about which of us would be sorted into which House (and which of us is an evil Squib), but my feelings about The End Of It All don't even begin to approach my feelings about the end of Party Down, for instance. But, since everyone is talking about it everywhere, I was reminded of an article I wrote for my college magazine in 2007, reviewing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I've reposted it here, and would like you all to appreciate how much of a pariah this article made me for at least 2 weeks. My alma mater is collectively in LOVE with all things Hogwarts. Anyway -- enjoy!


At 12:01 AM, July 14, I was not among the throngs of frothing fans crowding up bookstores in anticipo of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Instead, I was fast asleep, almost aggressively ignoring the frenzy surrounding the release of J.K. Rowling’s final book in what must be one of literary history’s most-anticipated series: no parties, Harry and the Potters concerts, or dressing up like a wizard for me. I snobbishly avoided the hype and leisurely picked up the book about eleven hours later on my way to the post office. Sure, I’ve read all the books, but I have managed not to get too emotionally involved. I say this just to warn you that you are not dealing with an overly enthused fan letter here. As a loyal but not necessarily adoring reader, I did look forward to the last book, and was unfortunately disappointed.


So finally those of us involved with this behemoth of a series can get some closure. Prophecies are fulfilled. Climactic battles are fought. Beloved characters snuff it (I cannot be the only person who felt Rowling went on, to use her favourite word, an immoderately enthusiastic killing spree in the last two hundred pages). Maybe some are just glad for it to be over, and so accept any kind of conclusion without questioning it. I, however,do have one question: does the story really make sense? Granted, we are dealing with a magical world, so obviously that requires quite a suspension of disbelief. If magic has rules, though, Rowling should stick to them. 


For the first few chapters, Rowling leans too heavily on Hermione’s knowledge of every single thing ever known to the magical world, and that knowledge seemed impossibly broader than usual. I understand that Hermione went on a studying rampage to prepare for the goal to destroy the Horcruxes, but this was a little too much. Any time they find themselves in a jam, our intrepid band of heroes escape with the help of Hermione’s magically expanding brain and handbag. My point is, Rowling wrote herself into too many corners early on and repeatedly fell back upon a Hermione ex machina to escape. 


I always thought that the development of the disturbing mental connection between Harry and Voldemort was masterfully done – Harry can speak Parseltongue too, their wands are cousins, and so forth. However, that plot point never successfully resolves itself for me. The danger Hermione keeps shrieking about (and then suddenly abandons) never comes through; somehow Voldemort either lost or forgot about his ability to see into and use Harry’s mind. At several points in the book Voldemort does not even register Harry’s extreme proximity like he used to. Why is this? How could such a brilliant and single-minded villain forget his most useful tool in finding and destroying his foe? He couldn’t have lost this power, either, since he was assuming so much control in the wizarding and human worlds at this point. I cannot blame this gaping plot hole on anything but blatant narrative laziness on Rowling’s part; a great disappointment among many others. 


My biggest problem with the book, however, arrives with the explanation and fulfillment of the Prophecy, which has been driving the series since the end of book five. I have here the most relevant part: 


Either must die at the hand of the other, 
For neither can live while the other survives. 


As everyone and their blind cat knows, Voldemort used Avada Kedavra on Harry Potter again, propelling him into an eerie interlude with Dumbledore’s spirit. Why didn’t Harry die this time? Apparently, he lives because 1) Lily Potter’s protective love spell had accidentally transferred itself to Voldemort - either when he unwittingly turned Harry into a Horcrux, or when he took some of Harry’s blood to make himself stronger, or both; and 2) Harry, in a fit of Christ-like behavior, willingly sacrificed his life to save all of humanity--and wizardry. (Only The Boy Who Lived could one-up Jesus.)

There is absolutely no reason for the second reason to exist except to hammer the idea of Harry’s heroism well and truly home. Nobody can tell me it even makes sense in context. It just sounds splendid. The first reason would succeed if it were just tidied up more – pick the exact point at which Lily’s love spell started protecting Voldemort, and do not confuse me so. 


But the biggest question regarding the Prophecy is, for me, who killed Voldemort? Harry only tried to Disarm him, and I don’t care how powerful his stupid somehow-Elder wand is - Disarming ≠ Murder. If Voldemort’s Avada Kedavra curse backfired on him, then it was Voldemort who killed himself. That clearly does not go along with the aforementioned prophecy. I desperately cannot stand inconsistencies, whether in characters or in plots, and this plot point had become so important that it should have received more attention. 


All of this is not to say that I hated the book. I loved the final developments of Ron’s character, and I adored all the flashbacks to young, effortlessly handsome Sirius Black. I just didn’t love it as unconditionally as some would have me do. The more I think about it, the more drawbacks I remember. I don’t think my standards are all that high, either; I merely ask for an author to pay attention to her work and adhere to the rules that she herself established, magical or no. Rowling is just killing me here, and I cannot say that I have recovered. 
--2007